Doug Clark: Mysteries leave Swami Doug’s turban in a twist

Why must everything around here be such a big mystery?

Seriously. The only things I’ve seen cut-and-dried were those magic mushrooms found in the back of GU basketball ace Josh Heytvelt’s SUV.

And even the ‘shroom ownership is foggy. They belonged to some mysterious “friend,” according to what Heytvelt told the cops.

Speaking of loaded backpacks, now we have this woman who supposedly brought a pipe bomb into the Courthouse Annex.

Why won’t some people follow the rules?

Please. Lock the pipe bombs in the car BEFORE going anywhere near a courthouse.

I’m sure there is a perfectly logical explanation for why anyone would ever even have a pipe bomb.

“Some stumps need clearing in the back 40.

“You’re a lazy fisherman who likes to blast out a few lunkers for supper now and then.

But all we’re getting from this woman is: “I didn’t even know it was there. It didn’t belong to me. I don’t know who put it in.”

Yeah, I hate it when unexplained explosives wind up in my luggage.

I guess it’s just another mystery for ol’ Spokanistan, which leaves me with no choice:

It is time again for me to screw on my swami hat and abuse my powers of prestidigitation as …

Clarnak the Omniscient.

Clarnak knows (obviously) that there are disbelieving jackals who view this as a cheap imitation of the late-great Johnny Carson’s Carnac the Magnificent routine.

To you, Clarnak says …

May an indignant Airway Heights barista scald your naked nether regions with a double mocha java!

Clarnak is a certified seer and has the Internet diploma-mill sheepskin to prove it.

I will now demonstrate my psychic abilities by divining the Truth from answers that have been stored in a vintage Matador Room whiskey tumbler at the Davenport Hotel.

Let the spirits speak:

1. Sleeping Beauty. Snow White. Cinderella.

Three fairy tales more believable than – “How did that pipe bomb get in my backpack?”

2. Double dribbles. Technical fouls. Missed free throws.

Problems the Zags don’t need besides Heytvelt.

3. City Councilman Brad Stark. A box of bear claws. County Assessor Ralph Baker.

A boob, a cube and a rube.

4. Duck, cover and roll.

What to do in Peaceful Valley when off-duty cop Jay Olsen starts shooting.

5. Britney Spears’ noggin. Jay Olsen’s target.

Two verrry close shaves.

6. A great movie. Anna Nicole Smith. Jack Lynch as Spokane’s deputy mayor.

The Departed.

7. Drying paint. A stopped clock.

Things more watchable than the Al French/Dennis Hession mayor’s race.

8. Daddy Dearest.

The reason Adam Best was hired at the Spokane County Assessor’s Office.

9. Team spirit. Discipline. Pride.

Evidence not found by Cheney police while searching Heytvelt and Theo Davis.

10. Lunch. Office supplies. District Court influence.

Routine purchases by area collection agencies.

11. Willie Nelson. Richard Hatch. Rep. Phil Hart, R-Athol.

People not on the IRS Christmas card list.

12. Bigfoot. The Rolling Stones. A strong mayor.

Legendary Spokane no-shows.

13. The Mir space station. The Hubble telescope. Neptune.

The only things higher than an Avista exec’s salary.

14. Carl Lewis. Barry Bonds. Joseph “Cuppa Joe” Mastel.

A dasher, a masher and a flasher.

15. Dracula and Kevin Coe.

Two vampires who should never see the light of day.