Doug Clark: Thanks, FBI, for protecting us from peaceniks

I‘ve been feeling a lot safer after learning that the federal government is keeping a wary eye on the Peace and Justice Action League of Spokane.

We know about the FBI’s interest because of documents obtained by the American Civil Liberties Union via the Freedom of Information Act.

Apparently the feds have been skulking about the PJALS Web site.

That, I’m guessing, would make the feds among a very select few.

The FBI may also have received information from a mysterious mole who apparently infiltrated the organization prior to an antiwar protest.

Hmm. What sort of disguise would a spy have to wear to infiltrate the Peace and Justice Action League? A hemp serape?

A “McGovern for President” button?

Anyway, our federal agents sure are smart.

I never would have had the foresight to waste time and taxpayer funds snooping on the Peace and Justice Action League.

From what I’ve seen, the group is about as subversive as a bowl of bean curd. Plus, the way the war in Iraq has been going, well, nobody will ever accuse PJALS of being effective.

I remember watching members of the action league in “action” years ago. A bunch of them milled around in front of a Spokane store to protest the selling of war toys for Christmas. They also once came out firmly against laser tag games in Riverfront Park.

Even Gandhi would have called PJALS a wimpy lot.

But I’ve changed my tune. I now know what a threat to homeland security the Peace and Justice Action League of Spokane really is. This is thanks to surveillance notes that were leaked to me by an unnamed government souse.

Today, at the risk of being jailed, I will share this top secret document with you. The following timeline was made by FBI field operatives while following a PJALS ringleader:

9:03 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik observed in backyard of residence where he strikes yoga pose known as “Chairman Mao ordering takeout.”

9:04 a.m. – Meditation interrupted when dangerous peacenik is bitten on nether regions by squirrel.

9:05 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik observed shrieking and hopping back into residence.

10:15 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik observed limping out of residence holding ice pack to nether regions.

10:26 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik drives smoking ‘87 Volvo with peeling “I ♥ Che” bumper sticker to Great Harvest bakery.

10:28 a.m. – Inside bakery, dangerous peacenik observed holding up line while trying to decide between oatmeal raisin cookie or power bar.

10:29:30 a.m. – Irritated customer observed telling dangerous peacenik to “Make up your mind, you idiot!”

10:29:37 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik observed calling critic “a filthy Republican.”

10:30 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik observed leaving in huff, but not before grabbing free bread sample.

11:13 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik followed to Huckleberry’s Natural Market.

11:15 a.m. – After sniffing organic bok choy, dangerous peacenik observed asking store clerk if Tofurky is “free range.”

11:17 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik observed using cell phone.

11:17:25 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik overheard pledging $5 a month to public radio.

11:17:30 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik overheard wanting to know if tote bag comes from sweat shop.

11:50 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik followed to Birkenstock store.

11:52 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik overheard asking clerk to see selection of clogs.

11:54 a.m. – Dangerous peacenik observed collapsing in tears when clerk tells him they don’t carry a 10-B in antique stone-blue nubuck.

11:55 a.m. – “You call this diversity?” dangerous peacenik is overheard hollering at clerk.

Noon – Dangerous peacenik overheard muttering about going home to get new ice pack. Surveillance suspended so field operatives can eat lunch.