The Slice: It’s time to embark on the dirty dozen

Welcome to the Twelve Days of Halloween.

Today is the first day.

You say you’re not familiar with this extended autumnal festival? Not to worry. The Slice is here to offer you a step-by-step guide.

Day 1: Eat all the trick-or-treat candy you have acquired so far. Moan, in the festive spirit of the holiday, “Oh man, I don’t feel so good.”

Go to the store. Replace candy. Remember to buy some good stuff for neighbor kids and off-brand high-fructose pellets and carob clumps for the rabble.

Day 2: Go back to the store. Interview pumpkins for the position of family jack-o’-lantern. Be sure to ask, “Where do you see yourself in a couple of weeks?” “Any qualms about being repeatedly stabbed?”

Day 3: Start office pool on which co-worker will show up at work in the most inappropriate costume on the big day.

Day 4: Do not rent, do not watch the original movie “Halloween.” Family members/friends will just mock you and call you a Halloweenie for having claimed that it was scary. (“That was about as frightening as ‘It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!’ “) And some observers will almost certainly speculate that your real viewing interest was the young Jamie Lee Curtis bouncing along in her sweater.

Day 5: Decide if you are a religious nut.

Day 6: Remember “The Twilight Zone” episode called “On Thursday We Leave for Home”? You know, the one where James Whitmore plays the slightly crazed leader of a struggling space colony. Remember how the people there would repeatedly ask him to tell stories about life back on the good Earth?

Well, on Day 6 of the Twelve Days of Halloween, it’s traditional to gather ‘round the feet of a wise old baby boomer and listen to stories of Halloweens of yore.

It’s either this or listen to them talk nonstop for all 12 days about Halloween back before the first treat-adulteration scares.

Day 7: Spend the day guessing people’s all-time favorite childhood costumes. Bonus points if you pinpoint those in your circle who once wore ultra-flammable outfits inspired by “Planet of the Apes.”

Day 8: Eat all your candy (the good stuff). Then spend some quality time alone, reassessing your self-worth. What’s the matter with you, you ask? Oh boy, where do we begin.

Day 9: Replace candy. Place out of sight. That’ll work. Sure it will.

Day 10: Determine that it is indeed too late to get into your neighborhood’s outdoor-decorations arms race.

Day 11: Lock healthy-snacks advocates and all black cats in the basement. Provide them with fruit, nuts and tuna.

Day 12: Have fun. Stay safe. Report your trick-or-treat head-count to The Slice.

“Today’s Slice question: Who was the biggest baby about getting a flu shot?