Doug Clark: Dino’s back, but what if he’d won?

Responding to a clamor from virtually no one outside of family members, party hacks and his butler, Republican bazillionaire Dino Rossi announced on Thursday that yes – YES! – he will run again for governor.

On behalf of the good citizens of Washington, I would like to respond by saying …

“Ugh.”

Give us a break, Dino. We voters haven’t finished being completely bored out of our skulls with the current wretched election.

NEWS BURST – A political insider tells me that the Brad Stark campaign has raised more money than any other Spokane City Council race in the 21st century. The rise of magic mushroom use among political donors is the most plausible explanation.

It’s way too early to start not giving a hoot about Rossi’s 2008 pipe dreams.

Besides, I’ve had it up to here with sequels.

“The Bionic Woman” is back on TV. Another Rambo movie is in the works. (This time Rambo is wielding a rocket-launching walker!) Lousy Boston is back in the World Series.

And, man. That “Miami Vice” remake really sucked the Ferrari’s tailpipe.

Now comes this Rossi redux.

Is it too much to ask the state’s kingmakers to stop giving us retreads?

We voters deserve some new liars to distrust.

Rossi made his gubernatorial announcement in Issaquah on Thursday morning. Then, fearing that none of the goobers over here could spell Issaquah, let alone knew where it was, Rossi rushed over to Spokane to repeat himself.

Oh, I can see why he would want some payback.

If you recall, Rossi had the last governor’s race sewn up. Then 129 missing votes for his Democratic opponent, Christine Gregoire, were mysteriously found wedged inside the trunk of a Gregoire staffer’s Town Car.

Rossi was understandably suspicious.

But after a thorough investigation, Washington Supreme Court justices, all sporting brand new gold Rolex watches, ruled that Rossi should stop his whining and get lost.

Gregoire took office and immediately demonstrated her statesmanlike skills by officially asking the media to start calling her “Chris.”

Despite the bum deal he got, Rossi’s Thursday speech was devoid of bitterness. Well, other than to accuse Gov. Gregoire of letting murderers out of prison early so they can kill us in our sleep.

Gregoire, a sure bet to seek re-election, responded to Dino’s announcement by saying …

“Uh, Dino who?”

Still, one naturally wonders how vastly different life in Washington would be had Rossi not been screwed out of the governor’s mansion.

Hmm. Let me consult my Ouija board as I imagine his first year in office:

DAY ONE – Governor Rossi, moments after taking the oath, asks the media to start calling him Chris.

DAY 50 – In a stirring speech delivered astride a white horse, Gov. Chris Rossi declares the City of Enumclaw a “bestiality-free zone.”

DAY 100 – Responding to pressure from the super-rich cronies who supported him, Gov. Rossi proposes the nation’s first cardboard sign tax on the homeless.

DAY 200 – Feeling the fallout from angry homeless advocates, Gov. Rossi attempts to show his compassionate side. Citing the years of suffering he has endured due to his painfully modest stature, Rossi offers a program of free inspirational tapes to “the downtrodden mediocre of Washington.”

DAY 365 – Like every other leader from the West Side, Gov. Rossi continues the grand old tradition of ignoring Eastern Washington as if we were North Idaho’s appendix.