The Slice: Keep cool; we’ll stick with cheap

I think it’s pretty clear why those of us who live in Spokane act the way we do.

It’s simple. We don’t want our city to acquire a reputation as a cool place to live. Because once that happens, all sorts of undesirables are apt to show up on our doorstep. And it won’t be the Real Spokane they seek. It will be Trendy Spokane, a phony, overpriced place unrecognizable to those of us who value the Lilac City’s no-nonsense, unaffected charms.

C’mon, did you think our hairstyles and clothing choices were on the level? Get real.

No, what we witness here on a daily basis is a shrewd campaign to keep Spokane to ourselves.

Most of us don’t particularly want to live in Trendy Spokane. So we take every opportunity to sabotage any signs of creeping geo-cachet.

Did you think those foaming-at-the-mouth letters to the editor were legit?

Just think. Chances are, everything that seems to be decidedly uncool about Spokane might be a well-calculated ruse. Spokane’s image-savvy citizenry, fearful of that slippery slope to Boutiqueville, manages to project a provincial vibe that protects us from being “discovered.”

Sure. That’s got to be it.

Now the most reliable way to keep a city from turning into a chic shadow of its former self is to stay off those “Best Places to Be an Elitist Twit” lists. We’ve done a near perfect job of that.

OK, Spokane has shown up in a few “hidden gems” roundups. But seemingly each time that happens, we find it within ourselves to redouble our efforts to make this city seem like some ridiculous, inbred Podunk.

Talk about civic pride.

All right, everyone likes a little praise now and then. But if it ever reached the point where Spokane was regularly winning rave reviews in the national media, we might have something to worry about.

Fortunately, people here seem to understand that. How else would you explain the steady stream of news stories practically scripted to make Spokane seem backward and unsophisticated? Not to mention the persistent hostility to a whole range of “progressive” public policy positions.

Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

I think this explains a lot.

Now a cynic might suggest that this implies we are afraid of change. Me, I think it’s really more about respect for our bedrock casseroles-and-bowling lifestyles.

I’ve lived in a couple of cities that woke up one day to realize that they had been discovered and declared hot. It’s not pretty.

Housing prices become insane and transplanted graphic designers who never found jobs keep hitting you up for spare change.

There’s nothing cool about that.

“Today’s Slice question: How come those who blast out loud music in public never play anything you might actually want to hear?