Front porch: Wedding anniversary a perfect blend of events

Wedding anniversaries come but once a year, and it’s only fitting to celebrate them in special ways. March 22 was our 22nd anniversary. Easter had the gall to come early this year, making a weekend getaway impossible.

Instead of holing up at a luxury hotel, Derek and I celebrated our union at the Big Horn Outdoor Adventure Show. It was my idea – really. I’m always looking for interesting stories and this seemed like a good place to find them.

The ticket line was long when we arrived, and a bitter wind numbed our cheeks. “See?” I complained. “This is why I hate the outdoors. It’s cold or it’s hot or it’s windy. Weather just doesn’t behave. I mean why else do they hold an outdoors show indoors?”

My husband sighed. “It’s going to be a long day.”

Not wanting to dampen Derek’s fun, I turned my attention to all the adorable babies dressed in camouflage. Even little girls were decked in olive drab and khaki.

The Big Horn Show is a family friendly event. The lines swelled with the stroller-pushing set.

Baby watching was fun until I noticed the spitting. It wasn’t infant dribble, either. Adult saliva hit the pavement at regular intervals. Two fellows in front of us were veritable spit fountains, their lips protruding with the telltale bulge of chewing tobacco. “Why would you put something in your mouth that’s so nasty you have to spit it out again?” I asked loudly, to no one in particular, while dodging the glistening globs.

Thankfully we reached the ticket window, unbaptized. Soon we were exploring the great outdoors the way God intended – from within covered buildings.

However, I felt some folks took the outdoors theme too far. “Look!” I said and pointed. “A camouflage bassinet.” The rectangular draping of khaki had an oval-shape hole in the center, just the right size for a baby’s bed. “That’s a duck blind,” my husband said.

Before I could ask about vision-impaired waterfowl I was accosted by wildlife. A giant Easter bunny appeared at my shoulder offering me candy. “If that bunny gets any closer to my fluffy tail, I’m gonna deck him,” I muttered.

“Let’s go look at the trophy display,” Derek said. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to see a bunch of shiny statues, but I followed along. Turns out trophies at the Outdoors Show aren’t the fake wood and gold awards that line my kids’ bedroom shelves: they’re animal heads. Dozens of sad-eyed deer, elk and moose peered morosely at me from mounted displays.

The trophies enthralled Derek. But he was disconcerted when he found me eye-to-eye with a deer. He said our expressions were identical. “Let’s go look at the fish,” he urged.

“Are they dead, too?” I asked.

At the fishponds, slippery trout shimmered and splashed. The signs above the tanks said, “NO Catch and Release. You Catch. You Keep!”

“Why don’t you catch a fish, honey? We could get a picture!” He pointed to a pig-tailed toddler posing for a photo with her freshly caught prize. Grimacing and softly whimpering, she held the fish as far away as her chubby arms could stretch. Call me crazy, but a dead fish doesn’t seem like much of an anniversary keepsake. “You can take a picture of me crying at home,” I said.

A piercing sound drew our attention. “Oh! An elk call,” Derek said.

“How do you know that?”

“I do watch public TV, you know,” he replied.

While Derek was occupied with the animal calls, I noticed a big sign that said, “Jewelry.” Finally, my kind of shopping. I hurried over to the booth. The first pendant I picked up featured a tarantula suspended in glass. Horrified, I dropped it, only to see dozens of rings containing ants, spiders and flies. I fled before Derek found me. I was afraid he’d think a pair of dangly beetle earrings would make a great anniversary gift.

While I’d been looking at insect jewelry, Derek had found the meat booth. “I’m hungry,” he said. We sampled some delicious jerky. My husband was disappointed to discover it wasn’t made from buffalo, elk or deer. “Sometimes a beef stick is just a beef stick,” he said, and sighed.

There were lots of interesting stories at the Big Horn Show, but after spending several hours surrounded by hunters orange and camouflage I was ready for something different.

“Let’s go to a movie,” I suggested.

Thus, we concluded our celebration by watching “27 Dresses” at the Garland Theatre. A romantic comedy in which pink satin gowns play a key role provided a welcome change from acres of khaki. Our anniversary was a perfect blend of manly pastimes and womanly pleasures – much like a good marriage, and just as memorable.