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Doug Clark: C’mon, WSU, get a move on and play nice

Oh, the amber waves of pain.

Pullman is supposed to be this sleepy town nestled in the bosom of the nation’s breadbasket.

But brawls, insults, disorderly conduct, broken jaws and assaults are shockingly on the rise near the campus of Washington State University.

If only the football teams were this aggressive. The Cougs would be Rose Bowl bound every year.

Kids are supposed to go to WSU to get sheepskins – not rap sheets.

Sorry to sound the alarm. But all this hooliganism could signal a return to the street-rioting, Dumpster-burning days of yore for Wazzu.

Oops. My bad. School officials have been determined to remove that nickname from the local lingo.

Wazzu, goes the theory, is too associated with the university’s reputation for wildness that used to put it high on the list of the nation’s top party schools.

That hasn’t happened for a while. But the school regularly ranks high on the Pullman police blotter.

The cops, not surprisingly, say the nogoodniks are either college kids or college-age kids living in that keg-friendly combat zone known as College Hill.

Why are some WSU fraternities getting more violent?

Isn’t pretense and pomposity enough?

Pullman Police Chief Ted Weatherly, according to a Spokesman-Review story, has a plan to fine all participants in a fight – even the ones who aren’t conscious.

Another idea being bandied around is to sell College Hill to Idaho.

If you ask me, there’s only one option if WSU wants to put a cork in its troubles.

Move the school.

You heard me. Any Realtor will tell you that location is everything.

And Washington State University is located in a vast wheaty void known as the Palouse.

Picture being marooned on Mars.

Now you’re getting the idea.

This mind-numbing isolation of Pullman drives some students to act out in socially inappropriate ways such as drinking, fighting and signing up for throwaway courses like journalism.

It’s really quite sad.

The university needs to leave the deprivation. It needs to rebuild in a more culturally enlightened and sophisticated hub where students won’t feel so emotionally and spiritually disenfranchised.

Chewelah, say.

Or Usk.

Mark my words. If WSU doesn’t move, the mayhem will only get worse. Already, in fact, this rise in boorishness has begun to affect Washington State University traditions and policies.

Such as …

“A plan is in the works to change the school colors from crimson and gray to black and blue.

“University regents have been seen wearing leather jackets, swinging chains and whistling tunes from “West Side Story.”

“Butch the Cougar is out. The new school mascot is Wilbur the Wino.

“Getting a BA at WSU just means you’ve got “bruises and abrasions.”

“Jose Cuervo is the most popular name on student fake ID.

“Classes can now be taken “pass-fail” or by “cage match.”

“Campus ice creamery Ferdinand’s is honoring College Hill with a new confection in time for Spring Break:

The “banana split lip.”

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