Doug Clark: Wake me when war for White House has been won

It’s pretty safe to assume that our forefathers never dreamed that such a simple concept as choosing a president could ever creep on longer than the NFL, NBA and MLB seasons combined.

(World Series included.)

I can’t see Thomas Jefferson tolerating today’s long march of doom with its incomprehensible party caucuses, state primaries with varying rules, superdelegates and the phony baloney of TV debates.

After a few weeks of begging fat cats for money at $1,000-a-plate dinners, I’m quite sure old Tom would have used his “Saturday Night Live” appearance to announce …

“Let one of the dopier forefathers run for president. I’m taking back my Declaration of Independence and moving to Canada!”

(I use Thomas Jefferson as an example because we share the same birthday – April 13. Plus, of course, we’re both known for deep thinking.)

Anyway, my point is that this never-ending campaign season is psychologically unhealthy to endure.

I’m ready to drink the poison Kool-Aid, and we’ve still got nine months to go.

Am I the only voter who doesn’t want to hear another word from any of the remaining candidates?

We know way too much about them already.

We know that each and every candidate would generously donate their opponents’ kidneys in order to occupy the Oval Office.

Every morning I wake up to the sound of radio news clicking on.

This is usually a pleasant way for a journalist to greet the morning. But during a political season it can be dangerous.

Like the other day, when this campaign dispatch nearly knocked me out of bed:

“Shaaame on you, Barack Obamaaaa …”

It took me a moment or two to realize I was hearing Hillary Clinton and not a report on fishmongers.

I’m getting older. My nervous system can’t handle loud, scary noises as well as it once did.

But who can blame Hillary for taking a stab at fake rage? Her once-promising candidacy is in danger of going the way of the dodo or the Dukakis.

Losing the primaries in Ohio and Texas could finish the Democratic senator off.

It just seems so unfair that Clinton has to run against someone so vastly different from her.

You know, warm and likable.

When did the presidential process turn into such an excruciating drag?

When I was kid, the run for the White House was easier to take. Debates were rare, too, which made them much more important.

Take the famous Kennedy-vs.-Nixon televised debate. This gave voters a clear choice between a very handsome Catholic man and a sweaty cadaver.

Over the years, politics and the entertainment industry began to merge like an unholy lab experiment.

This union came of age with the election of Ronald Reagan, the first president to ever make a movie with a chimp.

But Reagan seems like Lincoln compared to what we have today.

George W. Bush could never make a monkey movie. Not because of standards. The guy’s not smart enough to memorize his lines.

Go ahead. Call me cynical.

But right now I don’t care who wins. I just want it to be over.