The Slice: Keys to summer: Hawaiian shirt, beer

Welcome to June.

Newcomers to the Inland Northwest often wonder what they should know about our area’s summertime lifestyle. And for longtime residents, it’s always a good idea to review. So today, The Slice presents a helpful guide to summer.

Q: Will I be required to go camping?

A: Yes.

Q: Do I have to act like I enjoyed it?

A: Yes.

Q: Should I attend events with co-workers that involve wearing swimsuits?

A: No.

Q: How many Hawaiian shirts should I own?

A: More than you have.

Q: What happens if you drink lake water?

A: You’ll find out.

Q: What’s the best way to avoid ticks and yellow jackets?

A: Stay away from them.

Q: What is the key to making small talk at a cookout?

A: Beer.

Q: Will wearing sunglasses make me cool?

A: No, but it will help protect your eyes.

Q: Am I required to show up at work on Monday mornings all sunburned, to prove that I was living large over the weekend?

A: Sadly, yes.

Q: But what if I am not Caucasian?

A: Sorry, no excuses.

Q: How does one acquire friends who have big boats?

A: That’s a secret.

Q: When co-workers are talking about golf, how can I change the subject?

A: Note that both D-Day and the Battle of the Little Bighorn took place in June.

Q: Why do so many grownups here act like 8-year-olds about summer? I mean, we still have work to do, bills to pay and family problems to worry about, right?

A: Summer is the Spokane area’s season of make-believe.

Q: Lawn and garden stuff just doesn’t do it for me. Is that OK?

A: Not really. For your penance, arrange to volunteer at an animal shelter.

Q: Do I have to care about baseball?

A: No, actually it’s better for the environment if you don’t.

Q: Does the widespread yet utterly absurd assumption that “everybody” has a lake place suggest that some of us are in denial about this area’s economic realities?

A: Don’t forget to use sunscreen.

“Today’s Slice question: What would have happened if someone had tried going over the falls in a barrel?