The Slice: The Slice: Too bad we can’t hire them all

Several subscribers were kind enough to apply for the nonexistent position of Slice summer intern.

Here’s how a few of them addressed the matter of how they would deal with hostile readers.

“Taking my cue from almost every person on talk TV, I would thank them for their opinion and express admiration for their willingness to speak out on such an important issue. Then make a beep noise and say, ‘Thank you for leaving your message. Paul will be sure to call you back next time he addresses this important social issue.’ ” – Curt Olsen

“I’d tell ‘em they were probably correct, but it’s your column, not theirs.” – Glenn Jacklin

“They’d still hate you, but they would like me.” – Michael L. Hall

“It’s my understanding that the standard phraseology in this instance is ‘Bite me.’ ” – Sandra Babcock

“I would inform them that I am a Vietnam vet with PTSD and I know where they live.” – John Erp

“I would agree with each and every one of them.” – Hank Greer

“I would transfer to Doug Clark by mistake.” – Dennis Lamarche

” ‘I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Could you call back in another decade?’ ” – Nancy Engard

“Hostile readers need to understand that they can have their opinions but you can have yours also.” – Barbara Temple

“Listen politely, kindly refer them to a qualified mental health professional.” – Joel Reese

“No prob, I ran the complaint booth at Hoopfest for 10 years.” – Jody Hamilton

“As long as they agree with MY opinions, I am OK with it.” – Mike Haines

“I would tell them that opinions are like human bottoms, everybody has one.” – Misty Koskimaki

“I would tell them that Mr. Turner is very open-minded and appreciates hearing from folks whose opinion differentiates from his.” – Mary Skinner

” ‘You should try working with him. Thank you for your call and keep reading The Slice!’ ” – Troy Heppner

“Well, I can certainly tell people where to shove it.” – Emma Perkins

“I would agree with them. Not that I’d actually agree with them, but in my passive-aggressive way of dealing with the world agreeing is a good way to avoid confrontation.” – Katie Delderfield

“Is there a severance package?” – Mark and Racheal Slater

“Hang up on them.” – Rex Reed

“Today’s Slice question: In the Inland Northwest, outspokenly expressing disdain for what recreational pursuit or pastime is certain to brand you “Not one of us” in the eyes of most people around here?