The Slice: Answering in a stately manner

A colleague somehow wound up with an e-mail from someone offering to evaluate business Web sites.

I don’t know if it is a scam. It’s probably just marketing spam.

In any event, the message begins, “Dear Idaho:”.

There’s no one here by that name.

“At least it’s not addressed ‘Dear Iowa,’ ” said my colleague.

But it got me thinking. What if you really could send notes to a state? (Not to a state government, mind you – to the actual state.)

Better yet, what if you had the job of answering a state’s mail?

Just imagine.

Dear Idaho: With so many families in your gorgeous realm leading hardscrabble lives, how come your voters tend to elect people who so often side with the interests of the rich?” – Just Wondering

Dear JW: Bugger off.

Dear Washington: Where do you get off having three national parks? Some states have none. – In Tents and Purposes

Dear ITAP: If you’ve got it, baby, flaunt it.

Dear Idaho: What’s with your place names? I’ve read that your state name is simply made up and, for the life of me, I can’t figure out the deal with “Coeur d’Alene.” – A Rose

Dear A Rose: Bugger off.

Dear Washington: Does it annoy you when the national media refer to you as “Washington state” even in contexts where there’s zero possibility of confusing you with Washington, D.C.? – Fan of the real Columbia

Dear Fan: Who is Washington, D.C.? A rapper?

Dear Idaho: You kind of look like a hockey goalie’s stick with gout, don’t you? – Great Save

Dear GS: I’m thinking of an expression that starts with “Puck.”

Dear Washington: George Washington never had any children, you know. How can you be a family-values place, named after a guy like that? – What About the Children

Dear What About: You idiot, he was the father of our country.

Dear Idaho: Ever get tired of potato humor? – Tuber the Show

Dear Tuber: Ever get tired of hearing people say “Bite me”?

Dear Washington: Do you look down your nose at Idaho? – Badlands Meanie

Dear Bad: No, but we both find ourselves wondering what Oregon was thinking sometimes.

Dear Idaho: Are you tempted to remind Washington that it is the smallest state in the West? – Utah

Dear Utah: Square miles aren’t everything. Being a good neighbor counts for something.

“Today’s Slice question: What are you going to do if your alma mater gets paired against WSU or GU?