Doug Clark: Take this moral-fiber test before seeking office

And so another elected official has crashed and burned.

This time it was Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York. How disappointing to discover that the Democrat didn’t get his “straight-arrow” nickname because of his days as vice-fighting prosecutor.

Now we know the moniker actually refers to the ex-governor’s profile while cavorting in Room 871 at the Mayflower Hotel.

Life is so strange. Here Spitzer is a has-been.

Yet Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the alleged woman of negotiable virtue, gets to cash in on all the instant celebrity.

Ashley’s a singer, you know.

Yes. And because of the fame, the 22-year-old has been able to increase what she charges for her music to nearly a buck a download.

Her uploads, by the way, are still reported to be hovering around $5,000 an hour.

But aside from being titillated, have we learned anything from this endless parade of public servant perverts like Spitzer and Larry Craig and James McGreevey and Mark Foley and … ?

I’ll tell you what I’ve learned.

We need a better process for screening our leaders, that’s what.

Right now all we have is:

Candidate runs for office. Candidate gets elected. Candidate is caught stealing, lying, drugging or having unholy relations with a goat or (fill in the blank).

This is why I have created the following Candidate Pre-Election Exam. It is designed to scuttle these boobs before they ever reach the ballot box.

Here’s how it works.

Before running for office, please answer the following simple questions that will allow voters to gauge your moral fiber. We’ll tally your scores at the end.

1. As a politician I am most inspired by …

A. John F. Kennedy’s vision.

B. Bobby Kennedy’s passion.

C. Ted Kennedy’s liver.

2. If elected, I promise to be …

A. A beacon of virtue to the citizenry.

B. A voice of reason to my peers.

C. A tour guide of love to hot young pages.

3. My qualifications for office include …

A. Working the phones during campaigns for my party.

B. Serving on various committees and focus groups.

C. Conducting push polls in the bushes at many public parks.

4. The first rule of fiscal responsibility is …

A. Remember, it’s the public’s money.

B. Think before spending a dime!

C. Never set up an offshore account under your real name.

5. My health care plan will provide …

A. Universal coverage for the poor.

B. The best possible care for our veterans.

C. Implants on demand for needy strippers.

6. I believe in the separation between …

A. Church and state.

B. Lobbyists and elected officials.

C. Taxpayers and their money.

7. We could improve America’s image around the world by …

A. Getting out of Iraq.

B. Becoming a more environmentally responsible nation.

C. Letting China crush some of our journalists for a change.

8. The biggest threat to world peace is …

A. North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il.

B. Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

C. That dictator cop who busted poor Larry Craig in the Minneapolis Airport commode.

9. The public’s right to know …

A. Keeps America from becoming a tyranny.

B. Goes hand in glove with a free press.

C. The public’s right to know? Har. That’s a good one.

10. New York has given us some of America’s most eloquent governors, such as …

A. “Speak softly and carry a big stick” – Teddy Roosevelt.

B. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

C. “Hey, sugar. Come on over and take a ride on the guv’s Mann Act” – Client 9.

OK. Now for the scoring.

If you answered “A” or “B” eight or more times, you can probably be elected without doing too much damage.

If, however, you answered “C” more than five times it’s pretty obvious that you already are in office.