Doug Clark: Sleazy deeds pay amply for city cop

Commander Clark will now shed light on some local law enforcement concerns.

Q : Were you as shocked as I am to hear that Jason Uberuaga is going back on the job?

Commander Clark : You mean the Spokane police officer whom Chief Anne Kirkpatrick fired last year after he used his department cell phone to photograph a woman baring her breasts.

Q : The one and only. So?

Commander Clark : You mean the off-duty cop who then had sex with that woman in her car in a tavern parking lot?

Q : That’s him. An arbitrator decided firing Uberuaga was too harsh. Do you have an opinion?

Commander Clark: I see this as yet another sad example of Spokane justice.

Q : What’s Spokane justice?

Commander Clark : Harder to realize than a two-term mayor.

Q : Uberuaga also admitted he drove his city-assigned undercover car after drinking alcohol, didn’t he?

Commander Clark : The guy apparently never took the DARE program.

Q : So what’s to become of Uberuaga?

Commander Clark : Based on his skills, there’s only one place for him in the department.

Q : What’s that?

Commander Clark: They’re going to make him a troll officer.

Q : Er, don’t you mean patrol officer?

Commander Clark: Oh, yeah. That, too.

Q : Can you see anything positive coming out of this?

Commander Clark: Certainly. Uberuaga will receive 10  1/2 months’ back pay.

Q : What’s so great about that?

Commander Clark: He can upgrade from sleazy car sex to sleazy motel sex.

Q : The Spokane Police Guild is reportedly quite thrilled with the Uberuaga decision.

Commander Clark: Of course it is. Setting the bar this low makes all the other players feel so much more secure.

Q : Are you aware of the shocking news that came out of the Spokane County Sheriff’s Office?

Commander Clark : Indeed. Sgt. Pete Bunch, a 30-year veteran, was arrested last week after a woman saw him prowling in her South Hill yard and looking into her windows.

Q : What do you think he was up to?

Commander Clark : The case is still under investigation. But if I had to guess I’d say he was probably working on his own stimulus package.

Q : If that’s true, what will happen?

Commander Clark : At the very least there will be nicknames.

Q : Nicknames?

Commander Clark : Sneaky Pete. Peekin’ Pete. Sgt. Prowler. Peter Peter Window Peeper …

Q : You really love your job, don’t you, Commander Clark?

Commander Clark: Like a dog loves a fire hydrant.

Q : What qualities is the city looking for to fill the new police ombudsman job?

Commander Clark : The position lacks any meaningful police oversight powers. So an ability to roll over and play dead will be key.

Q : One last thing. Do you suppose the Uberuaga reinstatement will have any effect on Chief Kirkpatrick’s famous “you lie, you die” rule?

Commander Clark: Yes. It will have to be modified.

Q : To what?

Commander Clark : “You lie, you get a paid vacation.”