It’s time again to skip through the zodiac with The Slice Horoscope, the only cosmic-calendar column written by someone who shops at some of the same stores you do.
Aries: Friends will scoff at your plans for a Spokane Studded Tires Museum. But they have mocked all of your other ideas, too. One of these times they might be wrong. This isn’t that time.
Taurus: Co-workers grow weary of hearing you go on and on about how your house made it through the snowy time just fine even though you didn’t shovel your roof. And your assertion that you now intend to fuel your backyard grill with radon gas strikes most as silly.
Gemini: You’re bound for a four-star day due to your decision to say to random people, “You da marmot!”
Cancer: You need to come to terms with the fact that you like all of the butchers at Store A but can’t stand any of the butchers at Store B.
Leo: After one last push, you will be able to claim that 98 percent of the Inland Northwest’s population has heard you tell about how little you paid for your house in 1981.
Virgo: You are spending too much time worrying about the NCAA tournament brackets. The field hasn’t even been set yet. Put down the remote. Turn off your computer. Breathe.
Libra: Face it. Your grandkids don’t want to watch “Wings of the Luftwaffe” with you. So don’t get mad when one of them says, “Seen one Focke-Wulf, you’ve seen ’em all.”
Scorpio: You are quite near the record for saying “Riverside Park” when you mean “Riverfront Park.”
Sagittarius: There might be something to your plan to turn Spokane into a vintage cars theme park, but insulting members of the City Council is the wrong way to start.
Capricorn: No one believes that your softball league tests for banned substances. And stop saying “The 2009 Mariners haven’t been mathematically eliminated yet.” There’s a reason your friends keep begging you to get some therapy.
Aquarius: Rethink your plan to turn Bike to Work Week (May 11-15) into a rigged reality show where riders keep getting voted off the streets until you are the only one left. That sort of defeats the purpose of the event.
Pisces: Starting your Bloomsday carbo-loading today will give you that all-important head start.
Spartacus: Today is your day to stand up and be counted at work. People will admire you for speaking out. And then they’ll jockey to see who gets your job after you are shown the door.
•Today’s Slice question: How do you determine when something is a real trend and not mostly a media invention?