The Slice: A thief or not a thief? That is the question

Spokane isn’t the only place plagued with this problem.

But the theft of bicycles is so common here that it seems fair to wonder if something like 49 percent of the local population spends part of each day looking for bikes to steal.

And the sale of stolen bikes must be right behind federal/state/local government and medical/health care as a significant Spokane economic sector.

Of course, if you accept those estimates, you might find yourself adopting a cynical attitude about all strangers you encounter here.

That would be unfortunate. Spokane likes to think of itself as a friendly city.

So, today, The Slice endeavors to eliminate some of the guesswork in spotting potential bicycle thieves.

Just consult this handy bike-thief profiling guide. It’s guaranteed to be accurate some of the time.

Could be a bike thief: Watches a lot of those kick-your-opponent-in-the-face cage match mangler-sport competitions.

Probably not a bike thief: Regular pledger to public radio and public TV.

Almost certainly a bike thief: Wears brand-new cap or jacket adorned with logo of a team that won a championship about half an hour ago.

Might be a bike thief: Walks around with long-handled cable-cutters.

Unlikely to be a bike thief: Pushes a stroller at Bloomsday.

Good bet to be a bike thief: Wears T-shirts adorned with hackneyed unprintable messages.

Might well be a bike thief: Attending college on a sports scholarship.

Probably a bike thief: Always making those four-fingers quote marks in the air.

Isn’t apt to be a bike thief: Shows patience when walking slow-moving elderly dog.

Presumably not a bike thief: Still listens to Windham Hill albums from the ’80s.

Almost certainly a bike thief: Microbrew snob who seldom bathes.

Probably a bike thief: Searching for the perfect vegetarian burger patty.

Could be a bike thief: Has tattoos on tongue.

Not a bike thief: Subscribes to the S-R.

Warm-up question: Which would be the better name for a band: Muttering About Ancient Resentments or Buzzwipe?

Today’s Slice question: Who around here answers to the greatest number of names?