The Slice: Don’t pooh-pooh your choo-choo nightmares

The Slice would like to offer a bit of comfort to men who have been hiding a dark secret for decades.

So let’s go right to some frequently asked questions about model train “accidents” from many Christmases ago.

Q: Could it be that those toy soldiers simply wandered onto the tracks and that I’m not really to blame for the carnage that ensued?

A: Yes, that’s entirely possible. Second-guessers might suggest that your leadership in that moment was not all it could have been. But darn it, those soldiers knew that military service is fraught with peril.

Q: Should I feel guilty about the fact that there were, well, a lot of mishaps involving the electric trains and my other toys?

A: Mistakes were made. But remember this. You were a child. You were groping to find your way in a world that could seem harsh and unforgiving to one of tender years. By placing Mr. Bunny in the path of a locomotive you were simply testing the limits of propriety – boundaries that could be blurry and confusing to a sensitive young soul.

Q: Would it be safe to say that removing a section of track from a bridge and then gunning the train up to full speed was a sign that I was a troubled youth?

A: Not a bit. That was a cry for help — a plea for understanding, if you will. And chances are you were simply trying to call attention to your totally valid concerns about crumbling infrastructure. Really, you were a whistleblower. Had they lived, I know the members of that doomed train crew would have thanked you.

Q: Was it wrong to place my sister’s troll doll on the tracks and then, just before the lead engine plowed into the supine toy, yell “Hey, Marcie, get a load of this!”

A: Boys will be boys. Besides, those trolls were bad news. Give ’em an inch and they’ll take a mile. You were doing your community a service.

Q: How about when Barbie mysteriously wandered into a tunnel just as a freight train was about to barrel through?

A: Look, life is risk. If that doll had spent more time watching where she was going and less time emasculating her boyfriend and trying on skimpy summer coordinates, maybe that accident never would have happened.

Today’s Slice Question: Given 10 chances, how many free throws would you make?