Blast from the past: The Road to Cheney

December 2, 2004: Nine kinds of meat add local flavor

What the hell are we doing out here again?

With Eastern Washington University’s football team playing Sam Houston State in the second round of the NCAA I-AA playoffs, the editors have recommissioned my brother Ralph (EWU class of ‘91) and me (class of ‘87) to reprise the road trip we took last year to Kansas City with the historic men’s basketball team.

Only this time, we’re going to … Cheney?

OK. But we usually prefer a little more road in our road trips.

Still, we’re up for it, even though this isn’t quite as rare as the basketball team’s appearance in the NCAA tournament, its first in … forever. EWU’s football team has been in the playoffs four times. And they’re playing some school named after Whitney Houston’s dad, not an athletic powerhouse like Oklahoma State. This isn’t David and Goliath. It’s David and David (which is also the “Jeopardy” answer to the question: Who are two people who will never be married in Texas?)

At first, Ralph and I were excited by the political differences between our blue state Eagles, with their progressive pass-first style, and the red state Bearkats, with their 1950s run-first mentality and their habit of executing by lethal injection anyone who misses a block. But it turns out Sam Houston State passes just as much as Eastern does and Spokane County is only slightly less red than Texas (except perhaps in the neck).

Still, it’s hard not to get caught up again in the excitement in Cheney, where quarterback Erik Meyer and receiver Eric Kimble have hooked up more times this year than all the residents of Pearce and Dressler halls combined. For everyone who roots for the economic and social underdog, there is nothing better than EWU’s amazing winning streak (and not just on the football field but in something new called “the classroom”). While UW and WSU combined to win only six more games than Gonzaga’s football team, Eastern could play itself all the way to the national I-AA championship in Chattanooga. (Now that is a road trip.)

But, before venturing out, we felt we should address a few complaints from the last time we did this:

1. Apparently we didn’t include very many quotes from “real” people. So here’s one. EWU fan Kevin Bacon: “Can I go with you guys?” Uh, no.

2. A few people complained that last time we relied too much on “drinking humor.” So we’ve agreed to cut back on the humor.

We got up early Thursday and set out. We packed a few bottles for Saturday’s big tailgate party and promptly drove two miles to the base of Sunset Hill and got the first motel room we could find (“Hey,” Ralph said, “color TV! And HBO!”).

“We’re in town for the big Eastern game Saturday,” we told the clerk.

“Oh. Where are you from?”

“Spokane.”

She stared at us a minute.

“It’s a road trip. You can’t drive the whole way on the first night. We’re hoping to make it to Four Lakes tomorrow.”

The room was pretty nice for $20 (unfortunately, it cost $30). But always the optimist, Ralph immediately circled something on the HBO program schedule that he wanted to watch called “Pornucopia 2.”

Then we went to the Northern Quest casino for a buffet (we sampled eight different meats, nine if you count mini-corndogs), some gambling (a bit of advice: Do not play three-card poker without inquiring about the rules first) and to gauge the excitement for Saturday’s big contest (“The boxing match?”). Sadly, there is still no sports book in Washington casinos, so Ralph had to make a phone call to place a technically “illegal” bet with a technically “illegal” bookie known only to our friend Big Dave.

“Put 20 on Eastern,” Ralph said.

“Gotcha,” Big Dave said.

The good news is that we got four points. The bad news is that those four points are apparently with the Eastern Illinois basketball team, which will win us 20 bucks if it beats Indiana State.

Meanwhile, I sent off a quick e-mail to Sam Houston State’s most famous alumnus: Dan Rather.

Dear Dan,

My alma mater is playing your alma mater in the NCAA Division I-AA football playoffs this weekend. Obviously, people are expecting you and I to make a wager on the outcome. I was thinking that if Sam Houston State wins I could do the news for you Monday night in nothing but a Bearkats T-shirt and red suspenders, and if EWU wins, maybe you could fly to Spokane and, I don’t know, rake my leaves in an Eastern shirt. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll just assume these terms are acceptable. Go Eags!

I know what you’re thinking. This is not a realistic bet. My leaves are buried under an inch of crusty snow. Well, you know what? That’s Dan Rather’s problem now.

Our tab so far:

Motel room: $30.95.

Buffet: $17.95.

Gambling losses: $70.

Miscellaneous: $42.25.

Liver damage: Priceless.

Jess Walter’s third novel, “Citizen Vince,” will be released in April. Ralph Walter’s third nipple turned out to be a mole.

December 3, 2004: Ready for the big game

We made it. After spending the first night of our epic road trip in a motel just below Sunset Hill, my brother Ralph and I bravely pushed on and arrived at our destination a full day ahead of schedule.

Perhaps it was the lure of the open road, or maybe it was the fact that the total trip was only 15 miles, but we got to Cheney 27 long hours before our alma mater Eastern Washington University was scheduled to demolish Sam Houston State in the NCAA Division I-AA football playoffs.

“So what do we do now?” Ralph asked.

It turns out extra time is only one of the unique challenges of such a short road trip. For instance, Ralph was clearly a bit unnerved staying in a seedy motel less than a mile from his house. (“Nice to see you again, Mr. Walter. Will you be staying in your usual room?”) And I really had no excuse for not going home to feed my kids breakfast and help my wife get them ready for school. (“But, honey, I’m on a road trip!”)

Still, Ralph and I did manage to stagger around a few West Spokane haunts Thursday night (along with Flett, Bunch and a guy who identified himself only as “Number 78”) and make it to breakfast Friday morning with our dad, who volunteered to be our designated driver the rest of the way. (I don’t think so. That would be like having Hugh Hefner chaperone your daughter’s dance.)

We arrived in Cheney about 1 p.m. and drove downtown to Eagles Pub, where we found the pregame party already in full swing. Actually this was Judy Rogers’ 49th birthday party, but Judy and her four friends in pointy party hats were just as excited about today’s football game.

Turns out, Judy is an invaluable Eastern employee in the Department of Something (my pen was running out of ink). She said something something “proud” and something something “athletics” and something something “very exciting.” (Oddly enough, after this exchange, she and her friends declined what Ralph and I thought was a good offer for some quality amateur male exotic dancing in honor of Judy’s birthday. Something something “disgusting,” said one of her friends.)

After a quick trip across the street to Bill’s Tavern for a traditional game of Midway Red Ball and a can of Oly, we toured the campus, which has blossomed along with the rest of the college in recent years. (Ralph: “That’s new. I wish they would’ve had a library when I went to school here.”)

We were pleasantly surprised to find a room still available for us at the Willow Springs Motel (only $44), especially Ralph. (“Nice to see you again, Mr. Walter. Will you be staying in your usual room?”)

Then we stopped in to see the EWU sports information director, Somebody Cook, who jokingly called security on us. Twice. The field appeared to be in good shape, properly covered in a snowy, muddy, grasslike substance and laid out in increments of approximately 10 yards.

In fact, everything appears ready for today’s big game, including us. By 1 p.m., we should be hosting a big tailgate party (although with 6 inches of snow and freezing temperatures, we’re a bit worried it will turn into the Donner Tailgate Party).

RATHER UPDATE: Strangely enough, Dan Rather, Sam Houston State’s most famous alumnus, failed to respond to my e-mail challenging him to a friendly bet on today’s game. I think I found out why when I uncovered this story by a former colleague and friend of Rather’s in the Houston Chronicle. Dan Rather, it seems, “tried out for football when he enrolled at what was then Sam Houston State Teachers’ College … Dan refused to quit coming out for practice even after the coach told him, ‘Son, you’re too slow and too small.’ … The Bearkats were coached by Puny Wilson.”

I have to think that when someone named Puny tells a man that he’s too small, it’s going to have some lingering psychological effects. So, it’s OK, Dan. You’re off the hook. My wife got tired of waiting for you and raked our leaves today. Courage.

Predictions:

FINAL SCORE: Eastern 31, Sam Houston State 19

GAME-TIME TEMPERATURE: 68 degrees

OUR GAME-TIME BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL: .23

Jess Walter’s novels have been translated into eight languages, including Japanese, Dutch and German. Ralph Walter claims he knows how to French.

December 4, 2004: Regrettably, sobering nature of loss didn’t extend to Ralph

We came all this way just to Coug it?

A near-perfect day of college football was spoiled for my brother Ralph and me Saturday when Sam Houston State beat our plucky alma mater Eastern Washington University on the last play of a gut-wrenching football game, 35-34, to advance to the semifinals of the NCAA Division I-AA championships.

There’s nothing quite as sobering as watching your team lose a big fourth quarter lead (except maybe watching Ralph sing “Three Times a Lady” over and over at the karaoke bar in our motel).

It was a brutal end to a 15-mile odyssey that took us all the way from our homes in Spokane up the Sunset Hill (back to my house to get my shaving bag) through Airway Heights (with a stop at the casino) onto the freeway, past two exits and all the way to exotic Cheney. After three long days on the road, we’re ready to get home.

We should be there in about 15 minutes.

This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. Hopes were high late Friday night when we went to a Cheney pub to meet our nephew Christopher and his EWU cellmates Paul and Mock (who had just finished his final in Witchcraft, Sorcery and Shamanism, Anthro 457. Really. Seriously. They get actual credit for stuff like that). Chris took us to a party where he kept introducing us as his druncles.

The college kids were friendly (“Look buddy, this is a Gamma Phi party, not a Grampa Phi party”) but the fun ended abruptly when the sorority sisters called the police because of “two creepy old guys” who apparently crashed their party. (We never saw these sickos but Ralph has vowed to keep looking for them – sort of like O.J.)

The next morning, Ralph and I walked across the revitalized campus, soaking up the students’ excitement. (“Look, it’s those creepy old guys again.”) It was wonderful to see so much going on in Cheney. Back when we attended Eastern, even the buildings went home for the weekend. It’s just another sign that this new EWU is a different school from the one we can’t quite remember attending.

The tailgate party got off to a slow start, but it got better when we realized the game wasn’t at the Cheney Rodeo Grounds and drove over to Woodward Field. By the time EWU super-fan The Jord arrived (looking like Cousin Eddie in a 1970s RV complete with beer taps on the sides), the upper parking lot was full of tailgaters.

Our other nephew, Cody, a “student” at Washington State University, looked around the crowded parking lot – barbecues flaming and footballs flying – and announced that WSU games should be this fun. In hindsight, we should’ve beaten him to death right then.

The game got off to a great start when Eastern scored after a fake field goal. But later when they faked a fake punt, Ralph and I became a little worried about all this deception (it turned out we were right; they also faked winning).

By the fourth quarter, Matt Houston State was beginning its stirring comeback and the Huntsville, Texas, radio team of Cooter and Leroy was hee-hawing it up in the press box.

And so the road trip is over.

Nine-year-old David Laurence Delaney, of Cheney, summed up our adventure best when we asked him why, in his excitement for Saturday’s game, he painted the words “Girls Rock” on his face. “I thought it would be kinda … like … funny.”

Yeah. Us too, kid.

Rather update: Even though Sam Houston State alumnus Dan Rather never e-mailed me back to respond to our friendly wager, I am a man of my word, and I plan to put on a Bearkat T-shirt and handle his anchor duties for the “CBS Evening News” on Monday. (I’m thinking of leading the news with a poem.)

Ralph update: As you read this, he’s refusing to admit the road trip is over and is boarding a plane to Seattle for today’s EWU basketball game against the Huskies. I’m a little worried. I think he might be drunk.

Final road trip tab:

Gambling losses: $92. ($70 in blackjack and poker and the $22 we mistakenly bet on the Eastern Illinois basketball team with a friend’s bookie. We got 7 points, but the Panthers lost to Indiana State by 19.)

Gas: $2.09.

Two motel rooms: $74.

Food and assorted beverages: $1,326.52.

Jess Walter is a nationally acclaimed author and reporter. Ralph Walter is getting really tired of hearing about it.