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The Slice: A cheery way to start DadsFest

Sun., June 5, 2011

Welcome to the start of DadsFest, the 15-day celebration that treats invented-in-Spokane Father’s Day as merely the culmination of a two-week salute to local paternity.

Here’s the day-by-day countdown.

15. No Whining Day: All those wishing to make a request of a Spokane-area father shall employ calm, measured tones and be prepared to respond with grace and good humor upon hearing “No way.”

14. Tough Loss Day: Normally, a guy behaving in a petulant manner because his favorite sports team failed to win richly deserves to be told to get a life. But on Tough Loss Day, family members are asked to be co-dependent and pretend that it’s understandable.

13. Sartorial Support Day: Twenty-four hours with no one saying, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

12. Viewer Restraint Day: When watching TV with the dad of the household, wives and common-law female companions will refrain from gushing and panting about good-looking male actors.

11. Viewer Restraint Day 2: Nondad members of the household shall not verbalize their feelings about him hogging the remote.

10. Plunger Independence Day: No “Dad, the toilet is stopped up again.”

9. Real Man Appreciation Day: The father in question shall not be compared unfavorably to Ward Cleaver, Cliff Huxtable, Mike Brady, Fitzwilliam Darcy or anyone else.

8. Pipe Down Day: When Dad declares that the popular music of his youth was the best ever, dissenting views will be self-stifled.

7. Assume the Answer Day: No chore-oriented questions that begin with “Would this be a good time to …?”

6. Favorite Pie Day: Self-explanatory.

5. Children Voluntarily Dress Modestly Day: Self-explanatory.

4. Furniture Amnesty Day: No remarks about a certain reclining chair.

3. Viewer Restraint Day 3: No guffaws or eye-rolling when Dad says, “Maybe we ought to check out this new Brandi Bikini movie. It’s supposed to be good.”

2. Father’s Day Eve: He gets to open one present.

1. Happy Father’s Day!

Today’s Slice question: Is there a local business with a permanent place on your radar because it opened right after you moved here?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Check out The Slice Blog at www.spokesman.com. Grilling leads to “F-Troop” references.