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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Can’t tap this guy for a straight answer

Today The Slice presents a transcript of an exclusive interview with The Spokane Guy Distracted by Thoughts of Oktoberfest.

Slice: How much has the Spokane political landscape changed since the primary election?

Distracted Guy: You know what I could go for right now? A sausage – a big spicy one.

Slice: Are you an early leaf-raker or more of a hope-for-a-big-wind man?

Distracted Guy: I can’t stand people who sip a beer. Maybe that’s the way to enjoy some beverages. But beer should be poured in, with gusto.

Slice: Can you name three women who might not have jobs on TV if they didn’t have big breasts?

Distracted Guy: Well, there’s that Stephanie on the Weather Channel and … hey, you know what sounds good right now? Mustard. I don’t really care what it’s on. I just want to go down on something slathered with mustard, preferably a zesty variety.

Slice: Ever seen some gruff old neighbor slowly bend over to pet a cat and found your attitude about him softening?

Distracted Guy: By Halloween, I intend to have consumed six barrels’ worth of sauerkraut.

Slice: Do you think KXLY’s latest anchor shuffle will do the trick?

Distracted Guy: What? I’m sorry. I was thinking about the many ways potatoes and vinegary cabbage complement each other.

Slice: I have a dictionary at my desk that is older than some of my co-workers. Where do you fall in the age range of those at your office?

Distracted Guy: I’ve found that if I eat enough cheese, I can quaff beer from cannon-sized mugs. I still get tipsy, but I don’t feel like getting up and moving around. So I’m not a danger to myself or others.

Slice: If you could tweak Spokane’s weather, what one change would you make?

Distracted Guy: I tell you what Spokane needs: more women dressed like the St. Pauli girl.

Slice: Thanks for your time.

Distracted: Sure. Want to hear me speak what I call “October German”? OK: This wurst is wundebar!

Today’s Slice question: On what area lake is motor noise most relentless?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email It’s not necessary to wear a bib when checking out The Slice Blog at The month after next is December.

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