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The Slice: That’s one small step for snowsuit envy

Allow me to introduce The Slice line of Spokane snowsuits for toddlers (not available in stores).

The Apollo 69: Equipped with helmet and tinted visor. Boots attached to the suit. Comes with a handy booklet of vintage astronaut phrases for the youth wishing to imagine that a snowscape is another world.

The Hazmat 5000: Give your youngster a leg up on preparing for life in an increasingly toxic world. Head-to-toe protection and a shoulder-mounted speaker that loops a recorded message: “Evacuate this area immediately.”

The 2001: Rugged polymer space suit, air hose and optional helmet allows your little explorer to play in the snow AND rehearse for the looming war with the soulless forces of artificial intelligence. “Open the garage door, HAL.”

The Alien Survivor: Designed to remind your son or daughter that not wearing a helmet and shield is practically an invitation for nasty parasitic creatures to attach themselves to one’s face. Comes with Sigourney Weaver action figure, while supplies last.

The Darth Vader: You’ll be able to spot your offspring at a glance when the child is out in the snow in this all-black number equipped with a loud respirator. Your little achiever will have hours of wintertime fun striding through the drifts and addressing the neighbor’s cat as “Luke.”

The Randy: This natural-fibers retro tribute to “A Christmas Story” limits a youngster’s mobility to such an extent that it is sure to provide onlooking adults with lots of seasonal fun. “Hey, Madison, are you holding your arms out like that because you think you can fly?”

The Fukushima: While the other kids are building snow forts, your intrepid preschooler can pretend to be the one sent into the containment area surrounding a crippled nuclear reactor. “You’ll have only 90 seconds in there before it gets too hot, Duhkotah. Make it count!”

The Bing Crosby: Otherwise just like The Randy, this signature Spokane snowsuit comes with a golf club, a cocktail glass and a simulated boarding pass for a flight to Los Angeles.

Today’s Slice question: Ever been downwind of a chimney and suspected that someone was burning stuff that shouldn’t be put in a fireplace?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Ever lived with someone who listened to a police scanner all day?

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