The Slice: Shocking reaction before the interview

Today The Slice presents an exclusive interview with a suspiciously nameless kid who realized the temperature of lake water was not going to be what he considered comfortable until it was about time for him to head back to school.

So he decided the only way to save the summer was to sprint down the dock and jump in. Yes, he lived to tell about it.

As usual, you won’t believe what this interview subject had to say.

Q: So, you survived. Right?

A: Yes. But I’m changed.

Q: How so?

A: I now know what it’s like when time stands still and your heart seems to have stopped. I was heading for the light.

Q: Oh, come on. Is a little coolish water really that big a deal?

A: All I can tell you is that while I was under, right after I jumped in, I had an opportunity to reflect.

Q: On what?

A: Well, one of my first thoughts was “If I ever want to be a father, I need to get out of this frigid water pronto.”

Q: What else?

A: As I was weightlessly tumbling there in the dark, silent horror of fluidic space, I found myself wondering, “What does it all mean? Why are we here?”

Q: What did you come up with?

A: I decided step one would be to get the heck out of that lake.

Q: Then what?

A: Something happened. When I popped back up above the surface and was able to force myself to take a gasping breath, I saw that I am a survivor. I realized I’m not just some runny-nosed kid with peanut butter and jelly hands and Fudgesicle juice on my shirt. I am someone who can take whatever life dishes out.

Q: Impressive self-awareness for someone so young. Any other insights?

A: Yes. After the initial shock, the water temperature seemed oddly tolerable.

Q: There you go. Did you stay in?

A: Yes, I frolicked and found some really gross stuff under the rocks on the lake bottom right by the dock. It was great.

Q: So what advice would you give those who are afraid that it’s still too cold for swimming?

A: I’d say, cowboy up. Summer won’t last forever. Come on in. The water’s fine.

Today’s Slice question: Is cookout season the hardest time of year to be a newbie vegetarian?