The Slice: Time to put questions of barbecuing on the grill

Every year at this time, makers of outdoor grills send out results of surveys about backyard cooking.

These reports are intended to suggest that grilling makes people happier and gives them a sense of leading rich, fulfilling lives.

That’s fine. No law against beating your own drum.

My problem with these reports is that they are full of answers to questions that do not interest me.

“Grillers consider dessert the most challenging food to grill (35 percent), followed by fish (30 percent) and pizza (28 percent).”

And so on.

So, you might ask, what questions would I like to see on a survey about grilling?

Read on.

What is the heaviest food item an animal has snatched from your grill?

Ever put a meat thermometer or phone down on a surface that you had not thought was hot and then discovered a bit later that you were wrong?

Do you find the gas vs. charcoal schism even more contentious than the political climate?

Ever produced so much smoke that a neighbor came over to make sure your house was not on fire?

How old does someone need to be to get “F Troop”/Hekawi smoke-signals references?

What is your favorite verb synonym for “cook”?

How do you handle doneness-definition blowback?

Do certain members of your family still refer to “The lighter fluid incident”?

Where do you stand on the issue of how immaculate the grill needs to be before you begin?

If you start the coals in one of those little chimneys, which S-R sections work best to get the fire going?

Do you have a story about eyebrows getting singed?

Agree or disagree: When grilling pork, it is required that you say at some point, “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.”

What do you drink while grilling?

Is there debate in your family about who is the best backyard chef?

Do you enjoy having people standing around talking to you or do you prefer to burn meat in solitude?

What do your neighbors say about the aromas you broadcast?

Do you have special grilling apparel?

Ever been asked “Are they ready?” before you have even put the steaks on?

Today’s Slice question: Are there places you will not park because of bird bombing?