The Slice: Schroeder would stick with Beethoven

Good grief, let’s jump right to … Today’s Slice question: If adult characters were present in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” — tonight on ABC — how would the seasonal classic be different?

A) After the other kids called him names because of his tree selection, everything would come to a grinding halt and there would be a sensitivity training session. Charlie Brown would be asked how it makes him feel when called a “blockhead” or “stupid.” B) Someone would complain that the dancing is lewd and suggestive. C) There would be a discussion about whether there needed to be armed guards present at the site of the play rehearsal.

D) Some of the skaters would wear helmets. E) Avista would send Snoopy a snippy notice informing him that he uses more electricity than his neighbors. F) Parents would totally take over the casting of roles for the play.

G) It might occur to someone that not everyone is Christian. H) Someone would be drunk. I) Charlie Brown’s directing would be critiqued to death.

J) Someone would suggest finding a sponsor for the play and selling naming rights. K) Pig Pen’s parents would be reported to the state. L) Lucy would be asked if she has a license to offer mental health services.

M) A guy working at the Christmas tree lot would tell Linus and Charlie Brown to get lost. N) A couple in the process of getting divorced would make a scene. O) Someone would insist on interpreting the passage from Luke for the children.

P) The Van Pelts would take a lot of passive aggressive heat for how they have raised Lucy. Q) Shermy’s dad would hit on Frieda’s mother. R) Someone would ask if the snacks pose a danger to children on special diets.

S) Something would result in a lawsuit. T) An adult would select the tree. U) Some homeowner would be angry about losing the lights and display contest to a dog.

V) Someone would ask why Snoopy isn’t on a leash. W) Someone would explain to Charlie Brown about mean girls. X) Someone would characterize Linus’ blanket as “germy.”

Y) Constant photography. Z) Other.

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Are you old enough to remember lead tinsel?