Doug Clark: Let me count the ways list lunacy is driving me batty

Three reasons why an online fad threatens normal discourse between human beings and will lead to the decline of civilization as we know it:

1. The Internet is overrun with writers who apparently can no longer communicate unless it’s in the form of a catchy list.

2. All this list making may be even more shallow than messaging via Twitter.

3. No, really.

Being the social media expert that I am compels me to sound this dire warning about lists.

(Let’s pause a moment to give my editors time for: 1. Derisive laughter. 2. Eye-rolling. 3. Mopping up any beverages they might have spewed in shock at that social media claim.)

I’m a cyber-ignoramus. I’ll admit it.

But really, how much Web savvy does one need to see how this list mania is growing and where it might lead?

Consider what happened Wednesday morning. I opened my newspaper mailbox to find strangers emailing me with …

“Five Reasons Why Perfectionism Ruins the Holidays,” “8 Signs It’s time to Cut Toxic Family Ties,” and “10 Ways to Improve Your Well-Being (and Productivity).”

How ridiculous.

Want to really improve your mental health and productivity?

Don’t waste time reading claptrap emails at work.

And if you really must know, booze intake is the only measure when it comes to knowing which family members to avoid.

As for the holidays, the only list that counts is whether that Jolly Fat Man has tagged you as Naughty or Nice.

I’ve been watching the growth of this list lunacy for months now.

The main offenders are marketers, press agents and Web reporters who are in a constant battle for your attention span.

But just like that bat-to-pig virus that cooled Gwyneth Paltrow in the movie “Contagion,” I fear this list-fluenza might hop over to actual humans and infect the general population.

Before you know it, wives and husbands will stop conversing.

They’ll instead be texting lists to each other like, “Several Tips as to Why We’re Having Leftovers for Dinner Again.”

1. You didn’t get off your fat butt and go the store like I told you to.

2. Did I mention how lazy you are?

3. I want a divorce.

See how communicating by lists can lead to breakdown of the family?

Sure, there are times when a proper list is called for.

David Letterman, for example, would be even duller without his Top Ten.

And the world would be far less interesting without Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”

You just slip out the back, Jack.

Make a new plan, Stan …

Genius.

This would be the likely spot to go through the Ten Commandments, except that nobody pays attention to those anymore.

And on a personal level, here are Seven Great Reasons Why I Am So Glad to Be Back in Spokane After My Recent Getaway to California.

1. Thought I was going to wind up in jail Tuesday morning.

2. Bratty kid several rows in back of me screamed nonstop during entire two-hour flight to Spokane.

3. When I say screamed, I mean the little monster hit high notes that were once known only to late screech trumpet player Maynard Ferguson.

4. Long, drawn-out impossibly shrill yodeling tones that invaded my ear canals like ice picks.

5. Did I mention how the guardian of this destroyer of eardrums just sat back and let it happen?

6. Despite all odds, I somehow managed to keep myself from being involved in one of those ugly airline incidents that always wind up on YouTube.

7. Wept with joy upon landing, never so happy to be home.