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This column reflects the opinion of the writer. To learn about the differences between a news story and an opinion column, click here.

Opinion >  Column

The Slice: This one could get personal

More than a few issues divide residents of the Inland Northwest.

Politics, studded tires, gun control, wolves, bike riders, beach access, marmot rights … you name it.

But perhaps nothing splits us into two opposing camps quite like personal watercraft. Oh, yes. Feelings run hot on this one.

In all likelihood, you know exactly where you stand. But just in case you are one of those rare locals still on the fence about PW, the Slice has come up with a plan to help you determine your Personal Watercraft Attitude Profile.

Just answer the following questions. This will help you clarify your thinking. Let’s begin.

Are you now or have you ever been a beered up yahoo?

How much time do you devote to thinking about your abs?

Do you consider yourself to be a member in good standing of what writer Calvin Trillin once described as “the party as a verb crowd”?

Have you ever said “Sailboats are for sissies”?

Have you uttered the expression “Woo-hoo!” more than a billion times?

Have you ever gotten up in some older person’s face because you thought he or she had called you a “dumbbell” when actually that individual had said “decibels”?

Do you continue to say “I feel the need … the need for speed” even though no one in your circle had been born when “Top Gun” came out?

If you are out on the lake, really ripping it up, are you able to see how many fingers that guy standing on the dock is holding up?

Is it your assumption that “What is the matter with you?” is a question everyone gets asked a lot?

Are you under the impression that operating a personal watercraft responsibly would be pointless?

Have you ever worn a ballcap backward?

Do you think it is reasonable to conclude no one will be offended by this column because of who does and does not read the newspaper?

Warm-up question: Ever changed your mind about doing business with someone because of a bumper sticker?

Today’s Slice question: If you had to guess, how many pairs of blue jeans have you owned over the years?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. You might be living a full, rich life even if there are no videos making the rounds online that show you cavorting in various states of undress.

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