Doug Clark: Beware, the bestowing of the Budnicks begins

Welcome, my manic minions, to the 27th airing of the Budnick Awards.

27th?

Oh, Lord, I’m feeling old.

And with good reason. Documenting the area’s quirks, hiccups and dubious achievers for nearly three decades will do strange things to a man.

Ask my editors.

For the record, the Budnick Awards are so named for Thomas P. Budnick, who epitomized the spirit of these doings when I wrote about him waaay back in the 1980s.

Then a Massachusetts social worker, Budnick hatched a cosmic scheme to file mining claims for the planet Mars.

And before you get judgmental, please note that Spokane County was the only government body Budnick could find that was morally bankrupt enough to take the man’s money and officially file his wacky claims.

The column I wrote on Budnick went international, which, kids, was what we called “going viral” back in the Dark Ages.

Budnick, alas, never gave up on his intergalactic dreams.

He even keeps in touch. This year, in fact, he took out a classified ad in our personals section seeking “attractive Chinese for translation, computer help (and) cultural understanding.”

Lord.

On a less-creepy note, a Christmas card from Budnick arrived in my newsroom mailbox the other day. The card’s cover shows a green smiling Martian building a snowman, er, snow creature.

“Hark! The herald alien thing,” reads the inside text over Budnick’s signature in festive red.

He must have a box of these things because I’m pretty sure Budnick sent me the same card a few years ago.

And with that, I give you the 2014 Budnicks.

Making New Year’s Revolutions

Spokane detectives scramble to keep up with a post-New Year’s crime wave that sees calls to a bank robbery, a man shot dead, his alleged killer hospitalized and area pharmacies reeling from a rash of pill robberies.

Dude, We’re the Inhaled Empire!

Spokane County leads Washington state in legal marijuana revenue – some $3.6 million in sales from licensed growers, processors and recreational pot stores.

Spokane: Near Nature. Near Ocean-View

Geologists discover the “Spokane Fault,” a potentially dangerous, earthquake-producing fissure running through the city.

Mellon the Felon, the Face of Spokane

The smirking mug shot of Brandon Mellon causes a stir due to the word “SPOKANE” that the accused killer and 10-time felon has tattooed in large letters across his forehead.

Beware Those Bigots with Badges

The Spokane County Deputy Sheriff’s Association, in an unfair labor practice complaint, claims Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich is incorrectly guided by his Mormon values when deciding “…whether or not an appointed Spokane deputy sheriff should be subject to discipline.”

Readin’,Writin’ & Flunkin’ Sobriety Tests

A third drunken-driving offense since 1988 has an East Valley School District board member, who also teaches middle school in Spokane, serving two years probation.

Willie Nelson’s Chauffeur on the Road Again?

Kootenai County deputies seize more than 110 pounds of pot from a man who reportedly claims he was driving from Portland to North Dakota on a “business trip.”

Call it an Abs-ject Failure

Hot Cup of Joe, a Spokane espresso shack featuring topless hunky dudes, reportedly closes in less than a year.

Deja Screwed All Over

Avista announces plans to raise electricity and natural gas rates again.

Cat Burglar Was Feeling Friskies

A 40-year-old Spokane man is jailed after allegedly stealing a large amount of cat food from the SpokAnimal shelter.

The Green’s Green Grass of Home

Spokane’s Sean Green receives Washington’s first license to grow legal marijuana. “Freedom is what brought us here today,” states Green in a news conference. “Cannabis prohibition is over.”

She’s a Diamond in the Buff

Miriam Weeks, Duke University freshman and 2013 Gonzaga Prep graduate, says acting in porn films under the name Belle Knox helps pay for costly education and dreams to one day become a lawyer and advocate for sex workers.

An Idea Not Worth a Plug Nickel

Spokane County commissioners reveal their plan to spend $5,125 on 300 commemorative coins to pass out to visiting dignitaries and local VIPs.

Butch Otter: The Spud State Stud

Idaho Gov. Butch Otter’s past movie career evokes plenty of laughs when news breaks that naughty sex scenes were added years later to “A Time to Revenge,” the low-budget 1990s Western in which Otter played a corrupt small town sheriff.

It’s Lady of Negotiable Virtue, Pal

Paul Lewis, a Boston-based consultant hired by the Spokane Police Department, tells onlookers in the Davenport Tower’s Safari Lounge that he’s with the SPD and repeatedly calls a woman a “ho” during an ugly confrontation with customers.

They Didn’t Want to Go On a Pee Cruise

Washington State University plans to charge the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority with disorderly conduct and alcohol violations after intoxicated students are seen and photographed urinating in Coeur d’Alene’s City Park before boarding a sorority-sponsored boat cruise on the lake.

The Flush Heard Round the World

The Spokane Water Department discovers that it has lost 12 billion gallons of water over the last three years.

Standards? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Standards!

A state arbiter reinstates Scott Kenoyer, the Spokane sheriff’s deputy who was fired for having sex on duty.

Boobish Officials Get Their Ban On

Bowing to parental complaints, trustees for a Southwest Idaho school district vote to remove Sherman Alexie’s award-winning novel, “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian.”

Ride the Bus, Lose Your Shorts

Bill McChristian, an 82-year-old Korean War vet, discovers gaping holes in his jeans and underwear after sitting in battery acid that was mysteriously left on the seat McChristian chose for his city bus ride to the VA hospital.

Must Be Work of Unholy Rollers

Graffiti vandals spray paint a pentagram and the words “Skate or die” on the Millwood Community Presbyterian Church.

Money Pit? More Like Black Hole

Spokane County Raceway operator Craig Smith says he’s had it with trying to operate the facility’s money-pit oval track.

Mike. Yeah. That’s the Ticket

A drug suspect tells Spokane County sheriff’s deputies he has no idea how meth got into his pocket because he borrowed the pants from a guy named “Mike.”

All Depends on Your Definition of Work

A Spokane County sheriff’s investigation contends that former deputy Todd Saunders’ work suffered while spending hours of his on-duty time visiting a woman.

Lilac City Now Garden of Weeden

Newly appointed Spokane City Council member Karen Stratton also owns a legal marijuana farm with husband, Chris Wright, and others.

Here, Kitty, Kitty

A 33-year-old Spokane man is arrested on drug charges after his failed attempt to pet a bull moose wandering around Holy Cross Cemetery.

And Another Carnie Was Born

Robert E. Reed, a Geiger Corrections Center inmate, wanders away from a work crew at the Spokane County Fair.

Springdale Mayor Sprung a Leak

James Sullivan, the mayor of Springdale in Stevens County, receives a short jail stay and mandatory anger management classes after a jury convicts him of disorderly conduct that occurred during an argument with a City Council member.

Morris the Not-So-Fat Cat

Earnings drop for Avista’s top five executives, including chairman and CEO Scott Morris, who falls to $2.9 million in total compensation.

He’d Be Hot on an eFelony Dating Site

Former Spokane criminal Jeremy Meeks achieves Internet stardom when the release of his hunky booking photograph taken in Stockton, Calif., earns Meeks the nickname “Dreamy McMug Shot” from fawning online fans.

Sounds Like a Condon Con Job

Bending to public pressure and City Council criticism, Spokane Mayor David Condon says he will not take the $7,000 pay raise that was part of his 2015 budget plan. Days earlier, however, Condon stood by the raise saying, “My salary is determined by the city charter, in which I have no involvement.”

Nearly a Million a Win? We’ve Been Couged

His salary upped to $2.75 million a year, Washington State University head football coach Mike Leach sees the Cougar season end at 3-9 including a bitter 31-13 Apple Cup loss to the UW Huskies.

Ethics? In Government? Since When?

Spokane City Council President Ben Stuckart draws a $250 fine from the city’s ethics committee for improperly sharing a confidential email that dealt with a lawsuit.

Unlike Condon, I’ll Keep Every Dime

State Sen. Mike Baumgartner has campaign signs made that ask the electorate to “Vote Doug Clark for County Crank.”