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The Slice: Shedding light on the subject could alter the plot completely

Fri., Jan. 9, 2015

“Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We’re trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we’re gonna take it outside and I’m gonna show you what it’s like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I’ll shut ’em for ya, and if you think I’m kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!”

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

If you are watching a movie in a theater and a stranger near you is using a phone that aims a bright light right in your face, what is the best course of action?

Polite request that he or she turn it off? Go find a 16-year-old usher? Do your impression of George Costanza laying down the law in the episode of “Seinfeld” when he was doing the opposite of everything his normal instincts told him to do?

Round 2: Here are a few more questions-suppressing lines to use when heading out of the office early.

“Well, I should be on time for my anger management counseling session.” — Walt Lindgren

“I need to find a nit comb.” — Tina Johnson

“The cows are out” or “The goat is gone” or “The lamb is lost.” — Tim Kohlhauff

“I’ve got to see a man about a duck.” — Joe Jovanovich

“Conjugal duty.” — Bill Mahaney

“I’m gonna go home and chase the kids’ mother.” — David Wilson

“Gotta see my gynecologist/urologist” or “I have to pick up my car at impound.” — Caryl Lawton

“Golly, it’s time for sex therapy.” — Jim Malm

“Going home to clean up after the dog.” — Gary Polser

“In this day and age with all our smartphones with all those apps, I would stand up, point to my cell phone and say ‘OMG someboody’s breaking into my house/apartment’ and dash for the exit.” — Steven Thain

Just wondering: “Why is it that the low battery alarm in smoke detectors never goes off during daylight hours?” wrote Brian Hunter. “It’s always at 2 or 3 a.m.”

Loyal to the empire: Slice reader Rodney Aho refuses to say “Inland Northwest.”

Mark your calendar: Monday is the birthday of the HAL 9000 computer.

If that unit had resided in Spokane instead of in 1968’s “2001: A Space Odyssey,” what would it have refused to open?

Warm-up questions: If you were to guess, what percentage of your colleagues consider you dead wood? In what year did single women with careers stop relating to TV’s Mary Richards?

Today’s Slice question: How much do you worry about passing the driver’s license-renewal vision test?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. After posing the ears-popping question, The Slice heard from several longtime locals who said they have never been up to Mount Spokane.