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The Slice: To avoid questions, simply stay indoors
With a dozen days before the official start of summer, The Slice presents answers to 12 infrequently asked questions about the looming season.
Q: What’s the key to handling fireworks?
A: Not being an idiot.
Q: How much should a swimsuit reveal?
A: Less is more.
Q: Will marmots chew up my engine hoses?
A: They might.
Q: When will the tomatoes be ready?
A: Not any time soon.
Q: What watermelons taste best?
A: The ones in 1965.
Q: Should I wait an hour after eating before going in swimming?
A: It’s safer to just keep eating and stay out of the water.
Q: How does one achieve the rank of Grillmaster, 1st class?
A: If you have to ask.
Q: How does one address a yellow jacket?
A: The same way Ed Norton addressed a golf ball in “The Honeymooners”: “Helloooo, yellow jacket.”
Q: What percentage of remember-when stories about drive-in theaters are exaggerations?
A: Depends on who is doing the lying.
Q: What if the conversation lags at a picnic?
A: Ask for “worst sunburn ever” stories, “best corn on the cob” memories and tales of “fish hook o’ doom” mishaps.
Q: Should you drink untreated water when camping?
A: Not unless you enjoy 2 a.m. retching and antisocial power squirting.
Q: What’s the appropriate age for a first summer kiss?
A: Many Spokane area parents of daughters say 26 is about right.
Slice answer: Ashley Steinhart emailed me this on Friday.
“Hmmm…I wonder how many folks are going to make an obvious connection from today’s Slice and think that ‘The Genital Reminders’ would be a great name for a band?”
Gary Thorne, who teaches at Gonzaga University, shared this leap of faith. “If I were to have a band it would be called Søren and the Melancholy Danes – we would play existential blues-rock.”
And Hugh Davis would name his band Loose Gravel. “Shoulder of the road blues, slightly dangerous but gets you home.”
Warm-up question: Do you say “iced tea” or “ice tea”?
Today’s Slice question: What’s the surest sign that people on another boat are hammered?