Doug Clark: Mayor Condon will need magic to break one-term curse

David Condon caught absolutely nobody by surprise this week by announcing his intent to become the first two-term Spokane mayor since the Lord made cabinets with his stepdad.

As a public service, I will now answer questions regarding this hysteric event.

Q. Am I imagining things? Hasn’t Mayor Condon already said he’s running for a second term?

A. Very astute of you. As a matter of fact, “Hey, I’m running for a second term” is the mayor’s second-most-repeated catchphrase since taking office.

Q. Second-most? What’s the first?

A. “And the Condon Coin goes to (insert name of big shot or crony).”

Q. “I didn’t see Condon’s re-election announcement in the paper. Where did you see it?

A. In the “Desperately Seeking …” part of a personals section, I believe.

Q. Getting back to Condon and coinage, a little birdie told me the mayor has already amassed $100 grand in his re-election war chest. Can this be true?

A. Absolutely. Although I can’t stop thinking about the million bucks that Condon inherited awhile back from a friend.

Q. Why is that still on your mind?

A. It keeps reminding me that I don’t have any friends like that. When my pals kick, I’ll be lucky to get a couple of used, grimy guitar picks.

Q. You have to be a friend to make a friend, you know.

A. Aw, bite me.

Q. OK. Getting back to the mayor: Do you think Condon has a shot at winning a second term?

A. Condon’s got a better shot at replacing Przemek Karnowski as center for the Zags.

Q. Come on. Karnowski’s over 7 feet tall. Aren’t you just making another cheap shot about the mayor being vertically challenged?

A. Nonsense. A cheap shot would be to say that the mayor’s so short that he has a full-length photo on his driver’s license.

Q. You stole that joke from somewhere, didn’t you?

A. As an environmentalist, I prefer the term “recycling.”

Q. So what’s the biggest obstacle standing in the way of a Condon second term?

A. Statistically speaking, the biggest obstacle would be any opposing candidate of male, female or transgender persuasion regardless of race, creed or criminal affiliation.

Q. You’re serious?

A. As a Ouija board. I’ve said it before. The Office of the Spokane Mayor is not governed by the normal laws of politics. The Spokane mayor’s office is actually ruled by …

Q. The Curse of the One-Term Mayor?

A. Correctamundo!

Q. But why should voters believe in such hocus-pocus?

A. Oh, I don’t (Bair, Chase, McNeill, Barnard, Geraghty, Talbott, Powers, West, Hession, Verner) know.

Q. It’s creepy when you put it that way, huh?

A. No more than building a condominium over a sacred aboriginal burial ground. Then again, you never know. Mayor Condon’s re-election house of cards is built on some real accomplishments.

Q. Protecting the river? Controlling taxes?

A. I was thinking more about Spokane making the national Top 10 for stolen cars. But, yeah, those other things are important, too.

Q. In his recent announcement, the mayor also cited road repair as one of his accomplishments. Do you agree?

A. Absolutely. Spokane has long been the country’s leading pothole manufacturing center. Without a top-notch repair team the city would have caved in on itself eons ago.

Q. The mayor’s re-election campaign kickoff will take place at the Doubletree Hotel at 7:30 a.m. Do you plan to be there?

A. No. After this column, I don’t know if my safety could be ensured.

Q. You can’t expect Condon to just give up and not run for a second term because of some curse, can you?

A. Actually, I believe America would be a much better place if more and more elected officials did give up.

Q. But isn’t there any way to beat the curse?

A. As with any serious political race, success depends mainly on what sort of expert campaign staff the candidate can put together.

Q. You mean political advisers, publicists and an experienced campaign manager?

A. I mean exorcists, psychics and a high voodoo priest.

If Condon gets enough of those on board, well, anything can happen.