Doug Clark: Hello and welcome to Avista Happy Hike Hour

Mellow-voiced announcer:

You’re listening to AM radio station K-P-A-Y. Now sit back and get ready to be energized. It’s time for host Les Ohms and the Avista Happy Hike Hour!

“You light up my liiiife. You give me hope. To carry on …”

LES – Hey-hey! And a happy-hike Tuesday to all my merry minions!

That, by the way was Debby Boone singing the Avista corporate theme song, “You Light Up My Life.”

We have a lot of exciting power-related topics to talk about. But first, let’s take a phone call from one of our listeners.

Hello, who’s this?

OLD WOMAN – I’m a little scared, Les, so I’d rather not give my name.

LES – Certainly, dear. You have nothing to be scared about. What’s on your mind?

O.W. – Well, I read in the Sunday newspaper that Avista is proposing its eighth rate increase in eight years.

Can that be true?

LES (chuckling) – Oh, yes. Avista’s got a perfect streak going. Even the Zags can’t say that.

O.W. – The what?

LES – Never mind. So what are you saying?

O.W. – I won’t pay. You just can’t keep raising the rates year after year.

LES – Won’t pay?

O.W. – That’s right. I’m old. I’m poor. And I’m fed up.”

LES – Thank you Myrtle Snodgrass of 1103 Elderbug Lane. Avista will be sending two, um, associates out to your home to work out some sort of payment plan.

MYRTLE – Wait a second. How’d you get my name and …

“You light up my liiiife. You give me hope. To carry on …”

LES – OK. We’re back. That was LeAnn Rimes singing a cover of the Debby Boone classic, “You Light Up My Life,” which we have adopted as our official Avista theme song.

Gives me goose bumps whenever I hear it.

Anyway, a special guest has arrived at the KPAY studios.

And when I say special I mean none other than Wink Smiley from Avista’s Department of Public Persuasion.

What’s up, Wink?

SMILEY – Rates, Les. Always the rates.

LES – Good one, Winkster. But seriously, some of our, oh, less compliant folks want to know why Avista needs another rate increase.

SMILEY – It’s all about infrastructure, Les. Avista needs to spend hundreds of zillions on fixing things like dams and transmission lines and substations and a corporate yacht and monopoly fees and the Avista ballpark sign and …

LES – Wink, did I just hear you say yacht?

SMILEY – No, Les. No you did not. But company revenues are flat. And just because Avista CEO Scott Morris made $5.5 million last year doesn’t mean that’s what he took home.

LES – It wasn’t?

SMILEY – Heck no. He took some of it to the office and some of it to restaurants and some of it to …

LES – Har! You’re killing me, Wink. But if I may play devil’s advocate, is there anything ratepayers can do to ease the Avista sticker shock?

SMILEY – Glad you asked, Les. In fact, we here at Public Persuasion have just published “7 Tips For Reducing Your Gas or Electric Bill.”

LES – Really?

SMILEY – Yes. This full-color pamphlet will be sent to our customers along with their next failing Energy Report Card.

LES – Nobody ever makes the honor roll, do they? Anyway, could you give us a sneak preview of some of those tips?

SMILEY – My pleasure, Les. In fact, here are all seven tips, which are:

1. Turn off gas.

2. Turn off electricity.

3. Put on extra sweater

4. Light candle(s).

5. Run in place.

6. Jumping jacks.

7. Buy extension cord long enough to reach neighbor’s patio outlet.

LES – You were right. That is valuable information. Hey, whataya know. Looks like we have another phone caller.

Hello and welcome to Avista Happy Hike Hour.

Who’s calling?

MYRTLE – You know darn well who it ith.

LES – Why, Myrtle. Bless your heart. What’s new?

MYRTLE – Th-tole my teef.

LES – What?

MYRTLE – My teef. The goons you thent to my houth. They th-tole my falth teef.

LES – First off, Myrtle, those are corporate associates, not goons. And second, Avista does not steal. We make investments in future earnings.

MYRTLE – You dirty (*&^%^#)!!!

LES – That’s it for today. I’m your host, Les Ohms, and this is Whitney Houston singing LeAnn Rimes’ cover of Debby Boone’s version of our official Avista theme song.

“You light up my liiiife …”