The Slice: Fine line between grouch, witty grouch

If April 1st is the unofficial start of “Get off my lawn!” season in the Spokane area, it’s time to get ready.

Few people actually shout that at kids, of course. For one thing, Spokane isn’t really as grouchy as some suggest. But the real problem is that it’s not that great a line.

I mean, if you were going to address some children loitering on your lawn, wouldn’t you rather say something that has a little pizazz?

Sure. But what?

The Slice has a suggestion: Borrow from the American Film Institute’s “100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time.”

Just consider. Instead of saying “Get off my lawn!” how about …

“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” (“Network”)

In all likelihood, the kids would be confused. But that might be a good life lesson for them.

“I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!” (“The Wizard of Oz”)

Fun to say, fun to hear.

“Soylent Green is people!” (“Soylent Green”)

The kids would mumble, “That old boy has lost it.”

“Say ‘Hello’ to my little friend!” (“Scarface”)

On second thought, skip that. By the time it got back to someone’s mom, it might not sound good.

“You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?” (“Dirty Harry”)

That could be amusing, assuming the kids don’t open fire.

“You talking to me?” (“Taxi Driver”)

And before the kids have a chance to say “No,” you could go ahead and perform the whole scene.

“I’m walkin’ here! I’m walkin’ here!” (“Midnight Cowboy”)

Lawn-visiting children might find that puzzling.

“They’re here!” (“Poltergeist”)

With a decent line reading, that could be entertainingly creepy.

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” (“Dirty Dancing”)

Words to live by.

“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.” (“Dead Poets Society”)

As advice goes, for kids on lawns or anywhere else, that’s tough to top.

Today’s Slice question: How many times has your name been in the newspaper?