The Slice: Preventing a grizzly situation

Huckleberry picking season is still months away.

So there’s plenty of time to implement The Slice’s Share the Mountains Wellness Program.

In a nutshell, this involves distributing easy-to-read fliers to grizzly bears. Please find my proposed text for these notices below.

Dear Grizzly,

In order to minimize potential interspecies conflicts during the harvesting of vaccinium membranaceum this summer, please read the following. Thanks in advance for your time and attention.

• Be it stipulated that any humans you encounter in the berry patch mean no harm to your cubs and, in fact, think they are quite possibly the cutest little furry omnivores ever seen in the Inland Northwest.

• Upon spotting you, any and all humans engaged in berry-picking shall yield the area to you and yours. No questions asked.

• Any humans failing to immediately back off relinquish the right to make it home in one piece.

• If you see humans picking huckleberries in such a stupid, careless manner that gross damage to the plants is inevitable, you retain the right to reprimand said individuals.

• Humans engaged in loud, obnoxious behavior while picking huckleberries may be subject to corrective mauling.

• Humans shall be strongly discouraged from rubbing grizzlies behind the ears and saying “Who’s a good bear? You are!”

• In the case of surprise up-close encounters involving humans and apex predators, it is understood that the ursine party has the right of way.

• Human children should not be regarded as salty snacks.

• Please remember that you have friends among the two-leggers in this area. Gary Larson, creator of “The Far Side” – a decidedly pro-bear cartoon – went to Washington State University, for instance.

• Bears coming upon unattended buckets of berries may feed freely.

• Humans should always ask permission before taking a selfie with Ursus arctos horribilis.

• Bears wishing to take selfies with human berry pickers are asked to refrain from biting.

Today’s Slice question: How many of those born in Spokane during the world’s fair in 1974 still live here?