This column reflects the opinion of the writer. Learn about the differences between a news story and an opinion column.
The Slice: Plenty of catching up to do next quarter
In the eight years since its founding, the Marmot Lodge has never had a meeting.
So it falls to me, the Grand Exalted Poobah, to update the membership on our fraternal order’s activities.
Here, then, is my Spring 2015 report.
The lodge has maintained its popular policy, no dues is good dues.
We have yet to organize a fun run.
We still have not appointed a sergeant at arms.
No members have been asked to leave because of conduct unbecoming a Marmot.
We went another year without a Marmot Lodge Annual Picnic.
The lodge endorsed no political candidates.
No T-shirts.
There were no allegations that the Grand Exalted Poobah controlled a secret slush fund.
No female lodge members were harassed, at least not in conjunction with the Marmot movement.
The lodge wrote no angry letters to the editor.
The lodge posted no anonymous online comments.
The lodge continued to ignore Facebook.
The lodge contemplated setting up a Twitter profile.
The Grand Exalted Poobah’s expense account – $0.00 in expenses – was approved.
The lodge rented no banquet facilities.
There were no catered buffets.
No members attended national conventions on the lodge’s dime.
No commemorative oil portrait of the Grand Exalted Poobah was commissioned.
The Marmot Lodge did not sponsor youth sports teams.
Classic bowling league shirts in various sizes were not ordered.
The Grand Exalted Poobah appeared on no Spokane TV chat shows to talk about lodge activities.
No funny hats.
The lodge had no floats in parades of any nature.
No Marmot Festival, no Marmot Lodge Queen.
After revealing the lodge’s secret handshake, the Grand Exalted Poobah was asked to exchange same exactly one time.
The lodge did not put up a website.
No applicants were blackballed.
The lodge established no scholarships.
The GEP never referred to himself as a potentate.
The Marmot dress code remained casual.
It was decided that suggestions would be solicited for the name of the lodge newsletter.
It was further decided that there would be no lodge newsletter.
Today’s Slice question: How many times a year do Spokane-area women with nice jewelry actually wear it?