The Slice: How to be an apple cider snob

It’s pretty easy to be an apple cider snob.

You just have to know what to say. It’s sort of like talking about wine, but different.

Just take a sip and …

“My, this is presumptuous.”

“Too green. What was this made with – Granny Clampetts?”

“I detect a note of fertilizer.”

“Wow. That gets me in the gills.”

“This has started to turn, but not enough to suit me.”

“That fruit would have made better apple dolls than cider.”

“Tastes brown, with a hint of pectin.”

Looking back: I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in. But remember those grades we used to get on our report cards rating our conduct in class? Sure. Well, it’s beginning to look like those didn’t determine our future success and happiness.

Just wondering: If your jack-o’-lantern recited a line or two from a movie, what would it say?

A) “Cut me, Mick. Ya gotta cut me.” (“Rocky.”) B) “May the Force be with you.” (“Star Wars.”) C ) “You talkin’ to me?” (“Taxi Driver.”) D) “I’m walkin’ here! I’m walkin’ here!” (“Midnight Cowboy.”) E) “Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, at least it’s a ethos.” (“The Big Lebowski.”) F) Other.

“Elderly” continued: This conversation hasn’t gotten old.

“Some years ago, my aunt and uncle, both 70 at the time, came from Colorado Springs to Seattle for a visit,” wrote Linda Peterson. “They told us they had left their cats in the care of an elderly gentleman, a neighbor of theirs. I wondered what is elderly from the perspective of 79? Eighty? I guess I’ll find out in a few years; I’m closing in on it myself.”

Warm-up question: If all the humans in Spokane suddenly disappeared, would the wild animals living in the city notice?

Today’s Slice question: What changed your outlook on life?

A) Having kids. B) A near-death experience. C) Watching someone close endure hardship with uncommon grace. D) Aging. E) Finding out who your real friends are. F) Being forgiven. G) Discovering a personal hero has feet of clay. H) A realization or insight that presented itself in an unusual circumstance. I) A poem. J) Philosophy 101. K) Giving someone a second chance and being repaid a hundred times. L) Other.

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. A business certain to succeed here? Carol Polser suggested a seasonal leaf and pine needle raking operation.