The Slice: Arachnophobia cures proven not to work

As we approach Halloween, it might be time to talk about fear of spiders.

Specifically, it might be time to discuss the tactics that do not – I repeat, DO NOT – eliminate a loved one’s arachnophobia.

(For information on therapies that might actually work, please consult an appropriate specialist.)

So here are five tactics that definitely do not ease a person’s spider anxiety. Don’t ask me how I know. I just do.

1. Pretending the spider in question has a squeaky stuffed-animal voice. (The phobic individual will not accept that the arachnid in the laundry room sounds like you speaking as a teddy bear.)

2. Reading “Charlotte’s Web” aloud to the phobic person. (The spiders in the basement don’t seem all that cute and they can’t spell.)

3. Noting that much of what is said about the threat posed by Inland Northwest spiders is uninformed. (It doesn’t matter. Once someone has accepted that they’re all maneaters, there’s really nowhere to go.)

4. Naming the spider. (Calling a spider “Skippy” doesn’t mean you won’t be asked to kill Skippy.)

5. Praising the elegance and delicate beauty of a spider’s web. (The phobic person doesn’t want an art critic, she wants an assassin.)

From the perspective of an urban dweller: It would seem that a great deal of time and energy in rural areas is devoted to either smashing/shooting roadside mailboxes or building impregnable fortresses to protect the mailboxes.

You are welcome to prove me wrong.

Slice answer: Gaylen Wood shared this. “I usually get one of four comments when I tell someone I live in Moscow, Idaho”: 1. “Oh, great potatoes!” 2. “Nice corn!” 3. “I hate your blue turf.” 4. “Idaho? Never heard of it.”

Warm-up question: What prompted your first trip to the emergency room?

Today’s Slice question: In real life, the moral considerations of justice are weighted with complexities that transcend easily grasped concepts such as “getting even” or “an eye for an eye.” And our society’s reliance on American jurisprudence assumes the accused is entitled to a formal legal process. But how often, while watching some TV drama, do you find yourself muttering “Do it” when the outrageously wronged good guy is at long last poised to do away with the heinous bad guy?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Agree or disagree: It’s sort of a blow when your child fails to be charmed by a book you loved as a kid.