Doug Clark: My ‘Extra Extra’ ballot will help clear things up for voters

Ballots for the Nov. 3 election arrived in my mailbox the other day, and it looks like things are even more of a cluster than usual.

We have two Proposition No. 1 measures, which makes me wonder, what genius let that slip by?

One Proposition 1 deals with Spokane County. The other Proposition 1 is about Spokane city.

The easy fix would have been to treat the propositions the same way we identify hurricanes.

VOTER 1 – “I’m voting no on Proposition Carlos.”

VOTER 2 – “What about Patricia?”

VOTER 1 – “I’m holding off on my opinion until she slams into the coast.”

Adding to voter woes, three separate city propositions all contain the words “Worker Bill of Rights,” a phrase that has been known to make citizens’ heads explode.

To top it off, a recent news story reported that 372 voters were sent the wrong ballots because they now reside in the Whitworth Water District and not the Splashdown Waterslide like they once did.

Something like that.

Meanwhile at the elections office, Spokane County Auditor Vicky Dalton deserves a lot of credit – for not going into hiding.

On the contrary, she’s hanging in there and has even sent out an “extra” ballot so water district dwellers will think that their votes count.

Their ballots, however, will be sent on to the Waste-to-Energy Plant to incinerate all traces of this screw-up.

That’s the way I’d take care of it, anyway.

After all, we’re only talking about a couple of piddling water district races here.

Or we could just start over.

That’s why I’m publishing today’s streamlined “Extra, Extra” ballot that saves time by cutting right to the heart of what we’re voting for.

Online readers can print it out and vote accordingly before adding the same snarky remarks they’ll add no matter what the topic is.

Luddites like me – people who still enjoy hearing the “thump” of an analog newspaper hitting the porch – can use scissors and the traditional voting crayon.

To avoid the aforementioned befuddlements, the two identically named measures have now been relabeled Imposition 1 and Imposition 1-B for clarity.

Once voting is complete, please mail your ballot to Spokane County with my regards to Auditor Dalton.

1. City of Spokane – Mayor’s Race.

__ Mayor Checkbook.

__ Candidate No Chance.

2. Spokane Council President.

__ Get the hell off my lawn!

__ Same ol’ crapola.

3. Spokane Council District 1.

__ No barista nipples.

__ Never heard of him.

4. Spokane Council District 2.

__ L… Something or other.

__ L… What’s her name?

5. Spokane Council District 3.

__ Pot farmer.

__ Not pot farmer.

6. Imposition 1, 2 & 3 combined – “Shall the Spokane City Charter accept the Dimvision Worker Bill of Rights, then figure out how to pay for it, then blah, blah, blah?”

__ Nuttiest thing ever.

__ Let the lawsuits begin!

7. Imposition 1-B – Should the Spokane County Commission expand from a 3-member waste of space to a 5-member fungal infection?

__ More chaos the merrier!

__ Only if you move all five to Grant County.

8. Dr. Dolittle Measure 1401 – Makes buying, trading or distributing certain exotic or endangered animal species a crime.

__ Save the critters.

__ All depends on how they taste.

9. State Advisory Votes 10, 11, 12 & 13 – Shall the Legislature impose taxes, without a vote of the people, more taxes, screw the people, taxes upon taxes, cuz we’re the government and we can, taxes and taxes, hah-hah HAH!

__ NO!

__ HELL, NO!

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.