Arrow-right Camera
Subscribe now

This column reflects the opinion of the writer. Learn about the differences between a news story and an opinion column.

The Slice: Enjoy the berms of our discontent

Inland Northwesterners enjoy fear mongering about winter.

It is one of the favorite pastimes of longtime residents, especially when recent arrivals from warmer climes are within earshot.

But winter is still a ways off. Where are the people who try to put the fear of God into newcomers with gird-your-loins tales of autumn?

Haven’t heard such horror stories? Maybe that’s because we need someone to get us started.

OK, I’ll raise my hand.

“You can get a wicked splinter from those caramel apple sticks.”

“I know a guy who got buried alive when a maple tree dumped all its leaves at once.”

“Pullover sweaters can generate enough static electricity to totally mess up your hair.”

“Bobbing for apples? You mean bobbing for strep?”

“I see someone carrying a huge pumpkin and my first thought is rupture.”

“Is the fireplace flue open? Is it closed? No one really knows … until it’s too late.”

“A hearty stew can really make you sleepy.”

“Halloween spelled backward is Neewollah, which means rancid cider.”

“Driving on wet leaves? Better pray.”

All creatures: Jeannie Maki lives in a rural area up north. She saw the list of animals I have observed while riding my bike to and from work.

Her list of critters seen at their place would include all of mine, except marmots, and would also feature bears, cougars, wolves, moose, elk, beavers, otter, muskrat, pack rats, gophers, weasel, mink, bobcat and lynx.

Slice answers: In the matter of when sneezing becomes yelling, several readers reported that their spouses personify this dynamic. One caller went in to some detail about feeling a post-sneeze concussive force similar to what one might experience after an explosion.

I’m not going to name names.

Warm-up question: Can you remember a time when moving to a new residence was essentially a matter of relocating a lot of stereo equipment and a few items of apparel?

Today’s Slice question: Are you capable of changing your mind about something or someone?

If yes, please cite an example.

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Dan Mork suggested a third “River” park could be “Riverback Park,” and it would strictly be a make-out park.

More from this author