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Doug Clark: These Russell Wilson edibles aren’t worth the dough
Well, don’t thank me yet. But I’ve come up with a way for you to watch the game and still get your 12th Man swagger on.
Make Russell Wilson the star of your Super Bowl 50 party by stocking up on the athlete’s football-shaped “Eat the Ball” bread rolls.
Mmm. Mmm.
Huh? You didn’t know the Seahawks’ dreamy leader and Pro Bowl MVP had his own line of gluten?
Me neither.
Not until last Saturday, anyway. That’s when I saw Wilson glaring at me from a frozen foods case near the bakery at the South Hill Safeway.
Wilson had his game face on. His right hand held one of his dough balls minus the end, which looked to have been excised via the daintiest of bites.
“Not what I’d call a ravenous endorsement,” I told my lovely wife, Sherry, while grabbing a box to take home.
I couldn’t help myself. This struck me as one of the weirdest celebrity endorsements since Bob Dylan hawked undies for Victoria’s Secret.
“Eat the Ball” is definitely authentic.
And not just because Wilson’s autograph and his mug shot both adorn the box. When I took one of his edible footballs out of the plastic wrapping, I immediately fired a Super Bowl-losing interception to Patriots defensive back Malcolm Butler.
What?
Too soon?
An Internet search informed me that Wilson has been in the oddball bread biz for over a year. Based on my Safeway experience, however, the quarterback’s enterprise is more of a Martin O’Malley dud.
“This is the first time I’ve had one of these go through my line,” declared the checker who rang up our grocery items Saturday.
The $4.99 price tag might have something to do with making “Eat the Ball” a tough sell.
With just four small footballs per box, that’s almost a buck-and-a-quarter a ball.
Another potentially sales-hampering clue can be found on one side of the box. To my surprise, I learned that Russell Wilson balls aren’t made in Seattle or even in smelly ol’ Tacoma.
“Manufacturer,” it read, is “… Salzburg, Austria.”
Shazbot!
Apparently, this company peddles a number of bread shapes like baseballs, basketballs, tennis balls and even hockey pucks.
Or, as Wilson told an interviewer last year, “We are going to feed the world one ball at a time.”
Not at these prices, pal.
Of course, they could have other uses.
Years ago I wrote about a local inventor who made foam bricks. Hawk Blocks, I believe they were called, but don’t hold me to it.
The general idea was to keep a number of blocks handy during a Seahawks game. Then when somebody threw a pick or fumbled the football, you could hurl your brick at your flat screen in a harmless burst of hostility.
I think the mayor keeps one of these in his office with my name on it.
Anyhow, these “Eat the Ball” footballs could work the same way, too.
A lot of Seahawks fans would’ve unloaded dozens of these things during that playoff game against the Panthers.
Then once all the aggression’s expended, the footballs could be dusted off and rendered into, say, peanut butter sandwiches.
Speaking of which …
The real “Eat the Ball” test was conducted after we got home. We followed the instructions that told us to let our balls thaw for a requisite 110 minutes or about a game plus overtime.
And then …
“Kinda squishy,” ruled Sherry.
“My football definitely deflated,” I agreed. “I think I got one of Tom Brady’s balls.”
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.