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The Slice: Back in the Valentine’s Day

Let’s get right to it.

Today’s Slice question: How did you note Valentine’s Day back in grade school?

A) We did a lot of suggestive bump and thrust dancing, like it was halftime at the Super Bowl. B) We turned shoe boxes into festively decorated mail boxes designed to accept holiday cards. C) We exchanged valentines with classmates, regardless of gender, thus clouding our sexual identities for many years to come. D) It was a day for emphasizing just who was popular and who was not.

E) We had a roundtable discussion aimed at determining just what in the heck Ann Landers was referring to when she wrote about “heavy petting.” F) We exchanged those little candy hearts stamped with dumb messages. G) We staged a reenactment of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, only in our version it began with some unfortunate kid sharing affectionate feelings with a somewhat less tender-hearted classmate who extremely did not reciprocate those sentiments. H) As was the case on St. Patrick’s Day, there was a lot of slugging.

I) Our school was more about adults ordering children to “Sit down and shut up! Children, no talking!” J) We rehearsed “duck and cover,” even though we suspected that might not protect us from the radiation unleashed by a hydrogen bomb. K) We did Washington’s state folk dance. L) We listened to some misguided young scholar read his report on President Valentine.

M) We agonized over what closing to use on our cards to Miss/Mr. Right. N) We boldly lifted lyrical lines from Jane Austen and Sir Mix-a-Lot. O) We earnestly contemplated the pompitous of love. P) We put on skits based loosely on the antics of Captain Merrill Stubing and the gang.

Q) I was homeschooled. R) We read the Classics Illustrated version of Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet.” S) The nuns didn’t really put up with a lot of nonsense. T) Ms. Johnson had a thing for The Cure, so we watched that video of “Just Like Heaven” over and over.

U) We dipped strawberries in liquid chocolate. V) Two classmates were crowned “Fred and Ginger for a Day.” W) Assuming that some parent would complain if we did anything fun, we sat quietly and worked on arithmetic problems.

X) We made a big “Coeur d’Alene Is For Lovers” poster. Y) We spent the day diagramming sentences. Z) Other.

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. “I can tell my pet likes Spokane from his joy, of the moment, even as I realize he has no concept of what city he is in,” wrote Phil Mulligan.

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