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The Slice: Wanted: A few good children
Specifically, teachers in charge of classrooms full of grade schoolers.
If you would be so kind as to ask your pupils to explain in writing, step by step, how one turns a pumpkin into a jack-o’-lantern. Then, if you would send me the results, I’ll take it from there.
My readers and I thank you.
The kids can just address themselves to the basics of selecting and carving. But perhaps, while we’re waiting to hear from the young gourd-art consultants, we might entertain a few questions about the Halloweeny craft of stabbing pumpkins.
Should a jack-o’-lantern be so scary as to induce a loss of bladder control in anyone viewing it?
Candle or battery-powered light?
Did you know when you were a kid that Halloween is all about an unholy relationship with our Dark Lord?
Is 64 jack-o’-lanterns too many for one porch?
How do you feel about using props, say fake knives or bandages, to augment the look of your carved creation?
Do seemingly happy jack-o’-lanterns annoy you?
Why do you/don’t you believe in the Great Pumpkin?
Can you tell that someone has been watching too much HGTV if he or she refers to a jack-o’-lantern as having an open concept?
Given what you suspect about his track record, would you even consider dating a guy named Peter Peter Pumpkineater?
Are Spokane’s surgeons especially adept at carving pumpkins?
How can you determine whether a pumpkin came from a sincere pumpkin patch?
What is the best way to revive a jack-o’-lantern that has gone into shock?
Have you ever cut yourself while carving a pumpkin and then been moved to say to the jack-o’-lantern on the table, “Wipe that smile off your face”?
If someone told you he had named his jack-o’-lantern “Abbie Normal,” would you know what movie he was referencing?
It’s customary to carve your jack-o’-lantern face on the unblemished part of the pumpkin. But could you make a case that using the discolored, lumpy side actually results in a scarier look?
What fan of Liverpool’s soccer team had an FM hit with a song that was just three letters from being called “Pumpkin It Up”?
Why are grade school kids the true experts on what makes a jack-o’-lantern great?
Today’s Slice question: Are you going to try building a backyard ice rink this year?
Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. When driving on smashed pumpkins, remember to turn into the skid.