The Slice: Getting ready for camping season

Here’s The Slice’s 2017 Inland Northwest Camping Guide.

This is for newcomers to the art and science of sleeping outdoors.

1. Yes, snakes will get in your sleeping bag.

2. Yes, it gets unbelievably cold at 2:30 a.m.

3. Bears will want some of what you are having for dinner. Except, that is, when they want all of what you are having for dinner. Or, for that matter, when they want you.

4. How you smell when you haven’t had a shower in days is one defense against mountain lions.

5. Drinking untreated “wild” water is an excellent way to acquire a case of the “wild” runs.

6. Campfire stories about the wolf that stole Uncle Bob’s truck only get better with each retelling.

7. If the tent had a funky smell when it was packed away at the end of the last camping season, it will have a truly delightful aroma in 2017.

8. State regulations require that the people at the next campsite drink copious amounts of beer and start firing guns into the air at midnight.

9. Studies show most people survive a couple of days away from social media.

10. In case you were wondering, the 1972 movie “Deliverance” was not set in Idaho.

Militant punctuation: “I recently installed a new spelling and grammar utility called Grammarly,” wrote Wade Griffith. “It tries to enforce the Oxford Comma Rule on words in a series, where MS Office does not. I am curious, intrigued, and interested to know where you stand on this matter.”

Wade, it would be safer for me to weigh in on gun control or fluoridation.

This date in Slice history (2004): North Idaho’s Randy Childress is a decent golfer. So he’s not a candidate to be honored by The Slice as the “Inland Northwest’s Worst.”

But once, when he was serving in Vietnam, he hit a shot that went out of bounds on a military base course. The ball tripped a security flare. And that started a fire which torched part of the golf course.

So how would you score that?

Warm-up question: What hockey penalty could be called most often at rambunctious Easter egg hunts?

A) Elbowing. B) High-sticking. C) Hooking. D) Slashing. E) Boarding. F) Checking from behind.

Today’s Slice question: You know how some batters in softball talk to themselves (or at least mutter) while at the plate? Sure. Well, what’s the most interesting thing you have heard someone say to himself/herself in that situation?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. A vendor once provided this newspaper with some promotional pens that said “The Pokesman-Review.”