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The Slice: The Slice: A radical approach to lawn care
Today The Slice presents a transcript of an interview with the Spokane man who has declared surrender in his war on lawn weeds.
As usual, you won’t believe what he had to say.
Q: So how is this different than just being lazy about yardwork?
A: It’s different because I am making a formal declaration.
Q: Oh. Well, why are you doing this?
A: I don’t really approve of lawn chemicals. And weeding by hand cuts into my TV time.
Q: Have you considered alternative landscaping concepts?
A: Sure. That’s what I’m doing. This is xeriscaping.
Q: Not, it’s not. Simply letting everything go to hell isn’t xeriscaping.
A: Sez you.
Q: Aren’t you worried about what the neighbors will say?
A: In a word, no.
Q: But don’t you have sort of a responsibility to the community to keep things looking presentable?
A: That’s a myth. Spokane is far more avant-garde than you have been led to believe.
Q: What is avant-garde about letting dandelions take over?
A: It shows that I am not one of those uptight conformists who sit at home and grumble that the counterculture is ruining Spokane with its unmanicured lawns and communist marijuana.
Q: OK. Whatever. So would you say you are a lawn pacifist?
A: I am a lawn freedom fighter.
Q: What?
A: I am an underground guerrilla supporting the right of weeds to peaceably assemble.
Q: But don’t you recognize that at least some of your neighbors probably wish the weeds would assemble somewhere else?
A: I can’t be bothered by such bourgeois concerns.
Q: I see you are wearing a “Born Free” T-shirt. What’s that all about?
A: It’s the story of a brave couple who adopted a dandelion cub, raised her and then eventually set her free.
Q: Uh, that’s … never mind. Are you at least going to mow your lawn once in a while?
A: That’s what the establishment would like to see. They’d love for me to knuckle under and roll out the mower.
Q: I honestly don’t think …
A: Do I look like “The man” to you?
Q: Enjoy your surrender.
A: It’s peace with honor.
TODAY’S SLICE QUESTION: What would be a good name for someone who takes part in Bloomsday, Hoopfest, Artfest, Art on the Green and Pig Out in the Park?
Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Does your boss critique the way you dress?