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Paul Turner: Questions and answers

Paul Turner (Dan Pelle / The Spokesman-Review)
Paul Turner (Dan Pelle / The Spokesman-Review)

So I’ve been asked.

Where did The Slice questions go when this column underwent a presto change-o relocation earlier this month?

Well, I’ll tell you. They’re right here. Some of them at least.

And, as an added bonus, this batch comes with answers already attached.

Let’s dive in.

How can you tell when someone in Spokane isn’t just transitioning to warm-weather casual attire but has, in fact, given up and is now embracing his inner slob?

One clue is when the particular pajamas he wears to the grocery store on Sunday morning aren’t his finest.

What line spoken by Edward G. Robinson in a biblical screen epic do you enjoy reciting for those who spend all spring loudly pining for hot weather and then at some point find themselves begging for mercy when summer sizzles?

“Where’s your Messiah now?”

Did your recent column on grilling (gas vs. charcoal) cover all the bases?

No. Here’s a note from reader Norm Scott.

“I might argue that pellet grills be in the mix.”

Do some people still refer to the S-R as the Socialist Review?

Perhaps a few readers utterly detached from political reality. But May Day is coming up, comrades. Keep your ears to the ground.

So what is going to happen to the Marmot Lodge?

Dues remain the same. Meetings schedule unchanged.

How can you tell the difference between conjunctivitis (pink eye) and allergies that drive you crazy every spring?

You’ll know.

Speaking of eye issues, did you ever mistake a little bottle of eyeglasses lens cleaner for soothing eye drops and apply a dose of the former to your already red and irritated eyes?

Yes, indeed. That smarts. (“Boy, it must really be working.”) Proud moment.

Do you know anyone who used to have a fifth floor office in the Chronicle building that’s now an apartment, and does she remember working late and looking out onto Sprague and seeing festively attired fans of Insane Clown Posse lined up outside the Knitting Factory?

Yes. Yes, I do.

You said “Stay tuned” regarding the investigation into just why your shower heads accumulate sand and tiny pieces of gravel, restricting flow. What’s the latest?

The city has been responsive. I have no complaints. But while a couple of theories have been discussed, a definitive explanation has yet to be arrived at.

Do you ever see anyone wearing one of those Slice T-shirts you gave out 25 years ago?

Once in a baby blue moon.

What’s the appropriate response when you realize you are not, in fact, represented in the state legislature by Sen. Clay Davis?

It’s not really printable. But those who remember HBO’s “The Wire” know the answer.

Is it “Hoopfest” or “Hoop Fest”?

It’s Too Hot. But I’ll let you know when I remember if it’s “Green Bluff” or “Greenbluff.”

What percentage of Spokane’s real-world population totally unnerves those who are paid to promote tourism here?

It depends on where their cars are parked.

What line did Spokane’s Dr. Larry Garvin occasionally use when calling his own medical office and being asked “How can I help you?”

He would sometimes say, “What did you have in mind?”

(He does not claim that he was the first person to say that.)

If you had a roommate in the ’70s who had a VW bus, what was implied?

It was implied that you were not waiting for the voters of Washington to legalize certain activities. And you never went very fast.

What was the best headline you’ve seen on a newspaper feature story about a school bus driver?

“All Her Troubles Are Behind Her.”

Did Mike the butcher at Huckleberry’s go to Las Vegas to see a Golden Knights hockey game this season?

Yes. Yes, he did.

Do modern dads still pad around turning lights off in unoccupied rooms?

No, they realize certain electronics suck way more power.

What does it mean when you see the contents of someone’s glove compartment scattered on the ground next to the vehicle?

It means someone has been officially welcomed to Spokane.

Is it necessary to place a “Bees Welcome” sign near your flowering trees?

Not really. Besides, many bees cannot read English.

What’s the appropriate response to people saying “It’s too nice outside to be cooped up in here working”?

Urge them to quit their jobs without delay and become inland beachcombers.

What Talking Heads album could be an anthem for downtown Spokane?

That would be 1978’s “More Songs About Buildings and Food.”

What’s it like to live on the Bloomsday course?

My wife and I did in the late 1980s. We lived in a second-floor apartment. The rolling wave/puckering sound all those sneakers made on the pavement was fascinating.

See you Monday.