The Slice hasn’t checked in with our old pal Spokane Man this year.
So what’s that lovable rapscallion been up to?
As always, one way to find out is to search this newspaper’s electronic archives for the words “Spokane man” in headlines and stories.
I was hoping to share with you an upbeat update. But here is what I found.
Spokane Man “has been charged with robbery, burglary, first degree kidnapping and assault ….”
Gee, I hope the prosecutor didn’t leave anything out.
The news did not get much better.
You-know-who “and his twin brother have been charged with 16 crimes involved with the illegal killing of eight bull elk.”
I didn’t know Spokane Man had a twin brother. That might explain a few things.
Perhaps the often antic Spokane Woman was the star of happier stories.
This headline popped up: “As a child, Spokane woman taken captive in Philippines during WWII.”
At least that suggests better days were ahead of her.
Then there was this headline on a story about an upcoming college basketball game: “Spokane woman has close ties to both schools.”
They can’t arrest you for that. Well, except in Alabama.
And there was a cheerful reference to Spokane Woman in a story about one of Garth Brooks’ 94 recent local concerts.
“… The Spokane woman had been to Saturday afternoon’s show and returned Sunday with her 8-year-old daughter.”
Perhaps that little girl will grow up to assume the role of Spokane Woman.
But what about recent references to Spokane Man’s buddy across the state line, that rascally Idaho Man?
Well, I saw right away that he had been “arrested for killing three people.”
Good grief. Is he why Idaho can’t have nice things?
Next, I noted that Idaho Man has been “accused of graveyard theft.”
Really? Graveyard theft? This was supposed to be a happy column.
Maybe Idaho Woman would help us out.
In her own inimitable way, she did.
The archives showed the newspaper recently reported that she “claimed smart electric meters can be used for surveillance.”
Of course, she did. It sounds as if her complaint was not taken seriously by the authorities. But I suspect we have not heard the last from Idaho Woman.
Warm-up question: Other than intestinal parasites or snow globes, what do you collect when you travel?
Today’s Slice question: What does Spokane’s proximity to Canada mean to you?
Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email firstname.lastname@example.org. Being able to extract your phone from your pocket or purse and quickly take a photo can be the 2018 equivalent of an impressive Old West quick draw.