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Opinion >  Column

Paul Turner: Enough about your caffeine addiction

A cup of Starbucks coffee. (Ted S. Warren / AP)
A cup of Starbucks coffee. (Ted S. Warren / AP)

Speaking on behalf of those of us who are not addicted to coffee, there’s something I’d like to say to a few of those who are.

Shut up already.

Go ahead and get your fix. Knock yourself out. Drink up. Spill your brown badge of courage on your blouse.

But enough with the self-important dramatics about how you are held hostage to your craving for caffeine.

Who cares? Not me, pal.

How heroic of you to stoically endure such suffering until you can temporarily ease the pain of coffee dependency. Cough, cough. But could you maybe do so in silence?

Thanks in advance for not sharing.

We’ve all heard it. “You don’t want to be around me until I’ve had my coffee.”

Really? We’re supposed to be impressed? Frightened? Cowed? View you as an intimidating Big, Bad Wolf?

Doubt it.

Feeling edgy and out of sorts? Tough. Planning on giving me a hard time because you are pre-coffee grouchy? Bring it on, Ace. I’ve dealt with tougher than you.

I would offer a counter proposal.

You say I don’t want to be around you until you’ve had your coffee? Nah, that’s too limiting. Let’s try this: I don’t want to be around you, period.

At least until you pipe down about your self-inflicted burden. Does that work for you?

If I seem a little peevish about this, I’m sorry. (Not really.)

But I have worked in caffeinated workplaces for a long time and I have heard decades of amateur theatrics from people who apparently assume anyone would give a rip about how they can hardly function until they have had their coffee.

Here’s the thing. I have lots of friends and relatives who drink coffee. For all I know, they are nervous and jittery until they slosh down some of the life-sustaining bean elixir. Maybe they experience mocha-withdrawal tremors every morning.

Most of them, however, don’t talk about it incessantly.

They don’t narrate their addiction mitigation plans for all within earshot. You know why? Because they realize it is not interesting to others.

Amazing, I know. How they arrived at this breakthrough insight, I can’t say. But I am grateful. Really, I am.

OK, maybe I’m overreacting. Perhaps all that harmless “I haven’t had my coffee yet” yammering is just innocent small talk. The kind of thing that seems natural on, say, a Monday morning.

I should lighten up.

But you see, I haven’t had my chocolate milk yet today. And I’m just a bear until I get my morning lactose fix.

Just wondering

What have you stepped in or on while walking outside your home in your bare feet?

When the DNA evidence hits the fan

A friend’s daughter looked at some apartments in Seattle and discovered the place assessed a $60 charge to swab your dog’s cheek for purposes of matching canine DNA against verboten droppings found on the complex grounds.

I’m all for holding careless dog owners’ feet to the fire on this issue. And I sincerely salute dog owners who pick up after their pets – and don’t just carry empty plastic bags so it looks like they intend to do so.

But I don’t know. This seems a bit much.

Images of TV shows that routinely refer to DNA evidence come to mind. But also, those of us who remember “Perry Mason” might be forgiven for imagining some hapless mixed-breed pooch on the witness stand, being grilled by district attorney Hamilton Burger.

“So is it your claim that …”

“Your honor, I show you now the offending droppings …”

Top 12 unofficial reasons Spokane-area kids shutter their lemonade stands

12. Failure to reinvest revenue.

11. Pricing strategy proved unpopular.

10. Conflict between management and union.

9. Rising insurance premiums.

8. Failed health inspections and other regulatory issues.

7. Sales drop-off after family and neighbors’ purchases bolstered early success.

6. Inability to retain qualified employees willing to work for nothing.

5. Undercut by competition, including Costco and Amazon.

4. Recognition that the lemonade stand’s cul-de-sac location was an insurmountable problem.

3. Workplace banter began to resemble that heard in “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

2. Advertising strategy failed to deliver.

1. Got bored with it.

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