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Opinion >  Column

Paul Turner: Time to consider those midyear resolutions

Paul Turner (Dan Pelle / The Spokesman-Review)
Paul Turner (Dan Pelle / The Spokesman-Review)

So it’s time again to consider your Second Half of the Year Resolutions.

This weekend will mark the midway point through 2018. And let’s face it. More than a few of us might benefit from a second chance at self-improvement.

I have been promoting the idea of Second Half of the Year Resolutions since at least the mid-’90s. The idea has not caught on. Yet, I persist.

So, as always, here are a few suggestions. After that, you’re on your own.

Resolve to appreciate Spokane for what it is and not fret so much about what it isn’t.

Try not to be a jerk at Hoopfest this year. Your tantrums embarrass everyone on your team.

Stop leaving people anonymous notes at work. If you have something to say, do so in person.

Give up on your idea to bring the backyard wasps to the bargaining table to hammer out a mutual nonaggression pact. It’s just not going to happen.

Spend less time with people you can’t stand. Life’s too short.

Stop finding ways to work “bulk meat” into conversations. Yes, it was in Wednesday’s newspaper. But enough already.

Face the fact that everyone you know has heard your stories about how football coaches in your youth would demand that players “Put a hat on him!” Yes, everyone knows that meant use your helmet as a weapon.

Resolve to get into heraldry and create a family crest. I dibs using expressions from my father and father-in-law on the design – “If we can just live through this” and “Lord of mercy.”

Don’t forget Canada Day this year (it’s Sunday). Some of us like Canada way better than we like the U.S. president.

Resolve to embrace portion control. Or not.

Be more careful about using the private names you have for people on your block. Kids pick that stuff up. (My late brother, who lived in Colorado, had alopecia. He once overheard some neighborhood children refer to him as “Mr. Clean.” This was long after those cleanser commercials stopped airing, so he knew that hadn’t originated with the kids.)

Make this the year you finally break it to your husband, who likes to sing along with the oldies station, that the line in the Sly and the Family Stone song “Family Affair” is not “It’s a family of bear.” Be gentle.

Stop indiscriminately using “Game of Thrones” references in conversation. A lot of people don’t know what you are talking about when you say things like “President Joffrey.” Same goes for your “F Troop” references during backyard grilling.

Prove which part of Spokane is the “cheatin’ side of town.” Use other Eagles lyrics to bolster your assertion.

Find some way to work regular exercise into your schedule. Feel free to define “exercise” however you choose.

Set reasonable expectations for your high school reunion this summer. Such as, “There is no way I am going to my high school reunion.”

Admit that while your much-discussed plan to take a selfie with a marmot might not be insane, the whole arms around each other’s shoulders thing sort of is. Aren’t there laws about harassing wildlife?

Stop trying to stifle laughter when friends in the legal community suggest the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling are above politics. Feel free to inquire about what your friends have been smoking.

Finally get that epically memorable summer haircut. Or not.

Don’t talk about the weather unless you intend to do something about it. Good luck with that.

Ask permission before flirting. Or just forget the whole thing.

Realize when the person to whom you are speaking passes out that you might have discussed your autograph collection one too many times. Though, admittedly, the Bing Crosby signature on that album cover is pretty cool.

Whenever you start thinking everyone in Spokane agrees with you on most matters of public policy, splash cold water in your face. If that doesn’t work, try electroshock therapy.

If your goal is to have your Hoopfest team placed on double secret probation, get a better goal. Perhaps you could spend more time with your dogs.

Resolve to eat local. And by the way, that doesn’t mean “Anything I eat in Spokane.”

Become a better listener. If you have a persistent tendency to talk over people in conversations, especially after a few beers, get some therapy.

Resolve to avoid prejudging everyone in Idaho on the basis of your experiences with your mother-in-law.

If you are the coach of a kids Hoopfest team, decide if you want to go with Herb Brooks or “Henry V” for your pregame pep talk. Then hope the kids have fun.

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