Today The Slice presents a transcript of an interview with Spokane’s very own Easter Marmot.
You won’t believe what our furry friend had to say.
The Slice: So are you trying to replace the bunny?
EM: Not at all. But I believe the people of Spokane deserve a choice.
The Slice: A different kind of Easter rodent?
EM: They deserve an animal not quite so closely tied to images of fertility, pagan rites of spring and, well, getting it on.
The Slice: Excuse me?
EM: You know. The old nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. That rabbit is all about a message that, frankly, isn’t always appropriate for children.
The Slice: And a marmot is an improvement how?
EM: Look, we all know what rabbits are famous for, right? But marmots, our claim to fame is being in a bad mood and chewing engine hoses. That and we’re sort of cute.
The Slice: Cute but irascible?
The Slice: Where do you, the Easter Marmot, figure in the religious picture?
EM: I don’t tell people what to believe.
The Slice: Does the Easter Bunny?
EM: That rabbit is totally bought and paid for by an international consortium of candy makers and the petro/industrial high-fructose corn syrup lobby.
The Slice: Who is behind the marketing of the Easter Marmot?
EM: It’s early days. We’re just getting started.
The Slice: What about Easter egg hunts? Would you do away with those?
EM: May I remind you that rabbits do not lay eggs. A marmot could dispense chicken eggs as well as a bunny.
The Slice: Except for you guys being a bit grumpy.
EM: Look, kids dig us. They get a kick out of the fact marmots are not nauseatingly saccharine. They crave an animal holiday icon that will give it to them straight.
The Slice: Are marmots mentioned in the New Testament?
EM: You’re thinking of “The Big Lebowski.”
The Slice: Uh, pretty sure I’m not. But aren’t marmots sort of a regional rodent? I mean, would the Easter Marmot’s territory be mostly restricted to the Northwest and Western Canada?
EM: God’s country.
The Slice: I thought you didn’t do religion.
EM: Maybe just a little.
Today’s Slice question: Did last winter harden your position on studded tires?
Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email firstname.lastname@example.org. Spokane was mentioned in a 1963 episode of “The Andy Griffith Show.”