Paul Turner: Do you know Mark Few?

So it’s almost that time again.

That time when, because of Gonzaga basketball, distant acquaintances take special note of the fact you live in or near Spokane. Happens every March when the NCAA Tournament nears.

But here’s the thing. An untold number of people who have never been here assume that Spokane is a really small place. So tiny, in fact, that it seems to them perfectly reasonable to ask.

Do you know Mark Few?

Chances are, you don’t. Oh, you might have seen him once in Albertsons or perhaps dining out with his family. But know him? Nah. Not really.

So naturally, you tell the truth and admit that you are not personally acquainted with the longtime coach of the top-ranked Zags.

Or do you?

Maybe you fib just a little. You know, pretend that you and Fewie, as you call him, are buds.

What’s the harm?

It would certainly be more entertaining for your faraway cousin or former co-worker than hearing you say, “No, I’ve never met him but he seems like a good guy.”

So maybe you stretch the truth just a tad.

“Know him? Yes, you might say that. I’m the one who finally got him to stop choking players in practice and quit throwing chairs onto the court during games.”

Sure, your claim might be greeted with skepticism. But remember, there’s a good chance the person with whom you are emailing imagines Spokane is the size of Rosalia. So the notion that you and the Gonzaga coach are close might seem entirely plausible.

And after you have told one lie, it’s easy to tell some more.

“Remember that HBO series that followed the Zags a couple of years ago? I was actually in a scene with Mark’s dad, but it got cut during editing.”

In for a penny, in for a pound, as they say.

“He was supposed to come over and help me clean out our garage a few weeks ago, but he got busy. At least that’s what he said. I suspect he probably went fishing.”

And once you’re on a roll, well, who knows what you will find yourself saying?

“You know that thing where he does a running handstand in the locker room after milestone victories? He got that from me. It’s a long story, but it should suffice to say we had enjoyed a few adult beverages when I first demonstrated that celebration move.”

Sure, it would be better to admit you don’t know him. Honesty being the best policy and all. But think of how much pleasure it might give your acquaintance back East to hear a few of your tall tales. No pun intended.

“Yeah, I remember – it was ages ago – when we were taking a bike ride up near Mount Spokane. And I said, ‘Mark, have you ever thought of recruiting international players?’ ”

You wouldn’t have to pretend to know anything about college basketball. You could just suggest you have been Few’s friend and adviser when it came to certain off-court issues.

“He’s really a private guy. I think he’s constitutionally incapable of schmoozing. But I kept telling him he needed to make time for the big kahunas who write the checks. And, well, you can see where the program is today.”

Chances are, your distant acquaintance will eat that stuff up.

“Oh yes, once upon a time, he was getting a lot of pressure to recruit gifted players who might not have been model citizens. But I suggested that GU go after kids who did not make a mockery of the whole ‘student athlete’ thing. I think it was good advice, even if I do say so myself.”

In the end, you’ll probably want to come clean and admit that you and Few aren’t exactly besties. Perhaps the way to do that would be to tell such a whopper that your acquaintance far from Spokane will know you have been pulling his leg.

“I remember when Mark asked me if I thought GU should get the pope to help them recruit. And I said I thought it might not be fair to the other teams in the league, especially BYU. But in the end, we all agreed that the pontiff already had enough on his plate. Besides, there were suspicions that he was a Marquette fan.”

Columnist Paul Turner can be reached at srpaulturner@gmail.com.