Dear Kiantha: Teen needs support, not grumpiness from dad

Dear Kiantha,

My ex-wife died two years ago from cancer. We share a 15-year-old daughter, who I now have full custody of. My daughter and I seem to butt heads daily. I do a lot of yelling, and she seems to do a lot of ignoring of what I am saying.

Her grades are average. That is unacceptable to me, because education is the only way to make something of yourself and build a life in which you can take care of yourself. I tell her this daily. I don’t believe she applies herself and that frustrates me.

I understand that I can be grumpy and a bit mean, but it is simply because I know she is not prepared for real life and she only has a few more years in my care.

Dear Friend,

Would you consider looking at your daughter through a more macro lens? I have a feeling that if you do, you may find there is an opportunity here for you to communicate with her from a place of understanding and compassion, which will ultimately make her more likely to understand your frustrations and grievances around her grades and being prepared for adulthood. Focusing on the frustration of the moment is the equivalent of looking at a very big problem through a very small lens.

Knowing that your daughter is experiencing the trauma of losing her mother at age 13 is a critical piece of information not to forget. Even when she is 30 years old, you will likely still see the impact. Imagine yourself in your most formative years losing the person who models for you what you are supposed to be. A young girl’s development is most influenced by her mother. What that means is that she is finding her way, and for that, she will need your gentle guidance.

As a parent, I understand the importance of making sure your child will grow to be a young adult who has the capacity to care for themselves. While it feels more urgent as your daughter only has one living parent, you still have to give her room to grow beyond this moment at her own speed.

This may be a time to look into additional educational and emotional supports for her, as they could be helpful. What is not helpful is a contentious relationship between the two of you. Sit down and talk to her – not at her.

Share with her the challenges you are experiencing being a full-time single parent. Ask her to share with you the challenges she faces being raised by a single father.

Try understanding each other. Through understanding, compassion tends to flow more freely.

A little compassion will go a long way for the both of you. I promise.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha

Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To submit a question, email DearKiantha@gmail.com. To read this column in Spanish, visit spokesman.com.