Front Porch: As long as we can laugh

In the early days of Twitter, a friend burst into my downtown office and said, “You have to follow this guy. He’s hilarious!”

He was referring to Justin Halpern and “$#! My Dad Says,” a Twitter feed that spawned a television show starring William Shatner.

Halpern simply posted funny stuff that his dad said. It gave me an idea that later evolved into a series of Facebook posts hashtagged “Things My Mom Says.”

If a sense of humor is hereditary, then I got it in spades from both my parents. Dad died 28 years ago, but Mom’s still here. Despite a 2017 diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease that resulted in her move to an assisted living facility, we still manage to crack each other up every week.

Sometimes the anxiety that comes with the disease brings us both to tears, but most of the time, we find something to laugh about.

She’s 92, and though her stories are often on repeat and get a bit tangled, she still recognizes her four kids and her grandchildren.

I know our time together is limited, and in the days to come, I don’t want to forget the laughter we shared. So, here for posterity’s sake is #ThingsMyMomSays.

December 2017: I fell on the ice and badly banged up my left hand. Between my injured southpaw and her walker Mom and I made quite a pair when I took her to the dentist. Watching me struggle to get her walker out of my car, she said, “Boy, you sure could use a hand with that! Too bad you don’t have one.”

January 2018: Mom informed me that men never change no matter how old they get.

“They still ogle – they just have to work at it harder because they don’t see very well!”

March 2018: My youngest son Sam and I encouraged Mom to try the Sit and Be Fit class at her retirement facility.

“I don’t need a class. I already know how to sit!” she said.

July 2019: Mom is complaining about how tired she is. She says at 88 her body has had enough wear and tear. I told her the Iron Nun is 88 and still competing.

“Yeah, well, she didn’t have four kids,” she replies.

December 2021: Mom was thrilled to see my sons this afternoon.

“I’m so surprised,” she said. “Of course, I’m surprised every morning that I wake up.”

December 2021: An activity this week at Mom’s retirement home is to find Buddy the elf in the hallway.

“Have you found Buddy, yet?” I asked.

“No, and I haven’t been looking. As far as I’m concerned, Buddy can stay lost.”

March 2021: Mom and I talk about Dad.

“It really bugs me when people say he’s watching out for me from heaven,” she said. “He had to watch out for me his whole life here on Earth, why would he have to do that from heaven too?”

September 2021: Mom has to get another tooth pulled. The fun part is going over the after-care instructions with her.

Me: No driving for 24 hours. (She hasn’t driven in 20 years.)

Her: Well, that’s going to limit my social life.

Me: No vigorous spitting.

Her: I gave up chewing tobacco a long time ago.

Me: No smoking for seven days

Her: Just when I was going to start!

January 2022: Today, Mom and I filled out a reflection about 2021. A sample question: “What did you learn last year?”

She thought it over.

“I don’t think I learned anything – I’m just trying not to forget what I already know.”

“How’s that going for you?” I asked.

She raised her eyebrows.

“Who are you again?”

September 2022: I told Mom her left hearing aid was still out for repair.

“I know,” she said. “And I don’t see so good out of my right ear either!”

We laughed until we cried.

February 2023: Mom points me out to a lady in the lobby of her retirement home.

“That’s my baby girl!”

The lady replies, “She’s pretty! How old is she?”

Mom frowns. “Oh, dear, her birthday was yesterday. Um. She’s a lot older than she looks.”

June 2023: I hustled around putting away Mom’s supplies. I went out her bedroom door with garbage and returned through the living room door.

“Pretty nifty trick going out one door and coming back through the other one, huh?” I said.

“It would have been niftier if you came back through the window, but I’m glad you didn’t!” she replied.

FYI: She lives on the second floor.

Here’s what I’ve learned from my mother; aging is not fun, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be funny.

Cindy Hval can be reached at dchval@juno.com. Hval is the author of “War Bonds: Love Stories from the Greatest Generation” (Casemate Publishers, 2015) available at Auntie’s Bookstore and bookstores nationwide.